The Agent
by erasexmyself
Summary: The Agent is finally back! Refreshing your memory, one chapter at a time. Ashley is an assassin hired to kill Spencer, this story is very AU.
1. A long way down

Wow! It really has been a long time, I am back now. Am sure most of you have forgotten about the Agent so let's go back to the start...

For those of you who do remember, it's worth reading again. I have polished the story up a little, will post chapters regularly so we'll get to the new stuff soon, I promise :)

The Agent

"Pull the god damn trigger, do it now!" I blinked, watching my target - my finger shaky on the trigger.

"Why do you want her dead?" A question I've never bothered to ask before. I was given assignments, I eliminated targets – I never asked questions, always doing as I was told but this girl was different - She was a lot younger than the others.

"Do not ask questions, I said shoot!" I was never one to disobey orders. I closed my eyes briefly wishing the buzzing sound in my ear would stop, that my fingers would stop shaking. I was restless, this wasn't good. I studied the girl for a second before pulling the trigger.

Instant chaos followed, I watched as security guards gathered around her, I was wasting time I didn't have, I set my watch - I had exactly two minutes to get to the getaway car. Picking up my riffle I backed away from the ledge and made a quick run for the exit.

I was there, at the agreed upon meeting spot. I looked around, I was alone. There was no sign of a car, I swore loudly. I could hear the sirens coming closer and closer, coming for me. I ducked away into a darkened alley way. Surely this wasn't happening?

"Where's the driver?" I spoke anxiously into my mouth piece. There was no reply, even the buzzing sound was gone.

"Where is the fucking driver?" Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks. This was the ultimate betrayal. I was shaking, I wasa mess. I was completely alone. I was truly lost.

I was about to chuck my headset when I heard the buzzing sound in my ear once again.

"You missed, you never miss." I immediately recognized the voice, it was Aiden.

"I want to know why there is a hit out on her?" It really was that simple.

"That does not concern you Ash – Agent."

"I just need to know!"

"Agent, your services have been terminated." His voice was cold as he spoke, there was no time to argue – the line went dead. I knew what this meant, I had 48 hours to run – to run for dear life because they were coming for me. I knew too much, the 49th hour would see me dead – if I was lucky enough to live that long.

I threw the wire into the closest dumpster, catching my reflection in a cracked window. I couldn't walk the streets looking like this. I looked like a killer, a cold blooded killer. I had blood on my hands, literally. I took a moment to unzip my hoodie, my top was laced with blood – some mine, some belonging to the guards I had to eliminate to get to the roof top.

My mind went to thoughts of the girl, a Miss Spencer Carlin. I missed, I knew I missed – I couldn't kill her, on the last second I aimed above her head hitting a glass sign. Glass splatter would hurt her a lot less than a single bullet through the skull.

I was so unsure of what to do, the only world I had ever known was now gone. The agency picked me up off the streets when I was twelve years old, they fed and sheltered me and finally when I was not much older than that they trained me, moulding me into the person they wanted me to become.

I was not capable of thinking on my own, I was so afraid - I was feeling an emotion, something I was not used to. I stopped feeling, I stopped experiencing any form of emotion the moment I killed my first target. The only thing I was fully aware of was that I couldn't stay where I was. I needed to get away, out of the country as soon as possible it was the only chance of survival I had available.

My apartment was a few blocks away, I needed to get there and pack up, hopefully before the Agency got there.

-

I was too late, I knew this the instant I walked down the corridor towards my apartment, the door was ajar. The hairs on the back of my neck standing up. I ran inside, instantly stopping in my tracks, it was empty. Almost everything was gone, it was all happening in slow motion. I knew before entering my bedroom that the most important thing I needed to secure my freedom was missing too - my passport. I was truly screwed.

I knew I was safe in my apartment for the time being, everything important was gone. Only odds and ends were left behind, I needed a shower badly, I needed to clear my head.

Entering the bathroom, I undressed and climbed into the shower switching the hot water on. The warmth felt good against my skin, red marks started to appear but I didn't care. By now I was so used to pain, I cleaned myself up and wrapped a towel around myself.

Drawing the curtains in my bedroom, I welcomed the darkness. I slumped down onto my bed and switched on the television. I needed to know what happened to the girl.

Images of Spencer flashed on the screen, she was taken to the local hospital, her injuries minor. She was heavily guarded the news anchor announced, I watched as her family walked up to the steps leading to the hospital. Her parents holding hands while her brothers followed. They looked like your average suburban family, I found myself wondering what it would feel like to have a family, people who loved and cared for me. I thought I had that with the Agency, now I realized that it was just a fake sense of security. I was nothing to them, I didn't want to think about this.

I knew something was happening to me, I just wasn't sure what it was - these past two weeks since agreeing to terminate the girl memories had been coming back, flash backs - simple hazy blurs appearing at random times. My past was a mystery to me and I was starting to question myself, starting to question the agency. I was only 22 years old and already killed 8687 targets and at the moment the only thing I was certain about was that I would not live to see 23.

I was startled out of my thoughts by a phone ringing, a phone I didn't know I owned. I answered, my voice shaky. I knew I was in trouble the moment I heard the voice on the other end, it was the head of operations. He only called if there was bad news. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst.

"What went wrong, Agent?"

"Nothing," I was biting my lip, I could taste blood.

"The girl lived, and now your life is about to be taken. Is it worth it?" I gulped.

"Please don't do this." Such feeble words coming from me.

"I am willing to give you one last chance Agent, you have exactly an hour. If the girl is not dead by then we'll send someone else for the girl, and then we'll come for you."

"I'll do it!" I jumped up, gathering whatever clothes was left behind off the floor. My life was hell - a complete mess but I was alive, I was breathing I liked it that way.

"An hour," and then he hung up.

-

Four guarded men stood in the hospital lobby and two placed outside her private room, there was no sign of her family anywhere. Getting past the guards in the lobby proved to be easy, to the unsuspecting eye I looked like a visitor. It was the guards outside her door I was worried about.

For once luck was on my side in the form of a nurse pushing a trolley. Going undetected I snuck up behind her, quickly grabbing her in a choke hold and dragging her into a nearby room. I didn't want to hurt her but she bit down into the hand I was covering her mouth with, drawing instant blood. I was tired of blood spillage today, I knocked her unconscious with the only remaining gun I had in my possession.

As quickly as possible I bandaged up my hand, using the supplies in the room and then I undressed her, slipping on the nurses uniform after. The bandage was already stained red, I was worried about drawing attention to myself but glancing at my watch I knew I didn't have much time left. I needed to do this and fast, I left the room making my way down the corridor.

The guards looked out of shape, I studied them as I pushed the trolley closer and closer towards them. I could feel sweat forming on my forehead. I paused outside her door, I could take them on. I smiled at myself, this was going to be easy.

"Can we help you?" The stockier of the two asked.

I noticed a Doctor and a nurse at the bottom of the corridor, I couldn't mess this up. I nodded,

"I need to prepare the girl for the Doctors visit." I could not think of anything else to say.

They both nodded and moved out of the way, not bothering to search me before going in. I found myself wondering if they really were security? They were useless, they were handing Spencer to me on a tray.

Pale blue eyes were staring at me, watching as I entered. Her head was bandaged and there were a few scrapes on her skin but she looked fine, alive.

"Could you bring the jug of water closer to me please, I'm thirsty." I stared at her, my hand clutching the gun I had hidden tighter. I looked at my watch, I had 23 minutes left. I moved towards the jug and poured her a glass of water, handing it to her.

She was about to die, I was about to kill her but by a bullet - maybe, I was not here to kill her with kindness. I watched her take a sip of water before coming to my senses, I had a job to do and this time I would not fail. Turning around I quickly pushed one of the chairs in front of the door preventing anyone from entering.

"What are you doing?" Her pale blue eyes now showing fear.

I did not answer, instead I took out my gun and pointed it at her. I waited for her to scream, to call for help. Instead she started to pray, I was caught off guard. Of all the things, I was not expecting this. I moved closer to her, the gun now right against her forehead brushing against her skin. She started praying even louder, her eyes finding mine. A single tear was making it's way down her cheek. I tasted something salty, I moved my free hand up to my own face, my skin was wet. A tear, tears. I had more than her, I was failing again.

I lowered the gun, and took a step away from her, admitting defeat.

"We need to get you out of here, you're not safe."

She looked so unsure, puzzled. "You're not going to kill me?"

I shook my head, "No, but they're going to send someone who will. We must hurry." I rushed to the window, examining the fire escape. I was momentarily amazed by the lack of security in this hospital, it would be so easy for anyone to get inside this room.

Opening the window I turned to her, she was now out of the bed, standing close to me just staring, confused.

I climbed out, waiting for her to follow but she paused.

"I should scream, the guards will come and get you."

There was no time to be doing this, time really was running out.

I lifted my gun to her, "I might not be able to kill you but I can get violent now climb out the window!"

"It was you wasn't it? You tried to kill me earlier?"

I was getting so frustrated with her, "YES! but I didn't kill you now did I? Fuck, we're running out of time please just come with me. I promise I'm not going to hurt you... again." She nodded, climbing out of the window. She only had on a hospital gown, I watched as goose flesh formed. It was cold out, I removed my jacket handing it to her.

Without a word she put the jacket on and we both climbed to the bottom. I had a car parked around the corner, my getaway car. She was hesitant, I had to motion for her to walk faster. I was not good with human contact, with talking. Aiden was the only person I'd converse with on a regular basis and that was mostly about targets and weaponry.

She was watching me from the corner of her eye as we walked, I could tell she had lots of questions but was working up the courage to ask them. I was hoping she wouldn't because I had no idea how I would answer her, I didn't have any answers. I was as lost as what she was.

The alarm on my watch went off, time was up. We were in front of my car when we heard it, an explosion. We both turned to where it came from, the hospital. Her room to be exact, was now up in flames. People around us were running and screaming, I faced a very pale looking Spencer. She was about to pass out, I moved to her, steading her and helping her inside the car. I moved to the drivers side, climbing in.

I took a moment to pause, to take everything in. We were on the run now, together. I put my keys in the ignition and started to drive, where to I just didn't know...


	2. Zero Mechanism

I was fighting back a yawn, driving around in circles for the past two hours was tiring me out. I had no set destination in mind, I was not used to plotting or planning – I was given directions, always. I was told what to do and I simply followed. I was a sheep, never a leader.

Spencer was not helping the situation much, she proved to be quite an irritation. A big part of me was regretting not killing her when I had the chance. She was screaming and pleading with me to let her go, clearly the reality of her choosing to come with me was finally sinking in.

I switched on the car stereo, praying the music would drown out her cries but instead this fuelled her anger, she moved out of her seat towards me, her fists pounding away at me. I swerved, almost hitting an oncoming car. I couldn't handle this for much longer, pulling to the side of the road I came to an abrupt stop and pushed her away from me lifting the gun and aiming it at her, my finger itching to pull the trigger.

"Shut up, shut the fuck up."

She laughed, a look of defiance written all over her face,

"Oh please, we both know you haven't got the guts to shoot me." I couldn't believe I was sacrificing my own life for such an annoying girl. How did she go from the girl praying in a hospital bed to this irritation? Climbing out of the car I rushed to her side, pulling the door open and grabbing her by her arm dragging her out of the car.

"Wha… what are you doing?" The look of fear back on her face, good.

"I'm about to shut you up!" I dragged her to the back of the car, opening the boot I stared her down,

"Get in."

"No, please. I'm afraid of confined spaces, I'm afraid of the dark. I'll be good, please no." There were tears streaming down her face, the murderer in me didn't flinch. I lifted my gun to the air above and pulled the trigger, she jumped.

"I said get in." I stood still and watched as Spencer climbed in, not saying a word. I slammed the boot shut, I could hear her sobs as I walked back to the drivers side.

"Fuck, Fuck!" I hit my fists against the steering wheel, I could faintly hear the sound of her knocking against the boot while pleading with me to let her out.

I couldn't think straight, Spencer was too much of a distraction. I let out a sigh and climbed out of the car moving to the back of the car.

I opened up, Spencer was pale and shaking – hyper-ventilating too. I shook my head at her,

"Don't be so dramatic, you weren't in there for longer than a minute." Her breathing started to calm,

"I get claustrophobic."

I helped her out and gave her the once over before putting on my most evil smirk,

"Good, I'll remember that. Now get back in front, and I don't want to hear a single sound from you."

-

We drove in silence for over 30 miles, I was getting tired. Seeing a Motel sign, I decided to stop for the night. "The Sunrise Hotel" looked very seedy but would have to do.

Leaning over Spencer, I opened the glove compartment taking out a roll of notes, Spencer looked at me puzzled.

"We're stopping for the night. Don't run and follow my lead otherwise you're going back inside the boot."

Seedy was an understatement, in the room for not even 3 minutes and already we could spot cockroaches hiding in the room corners. I needed a shower badly, I still had dried up blood on my hand and I was sweaty. I was worried though, that Spencer would take the opportunity to run, I had no choice but to bring her into the bathroom with me.

I walked to the bed, grabbed a piece of sheet and ripped a long piece off before walking to Spencer, taking her by her arm and pulling her inside the bathroom with me.

"What are you doing?"

"I need a shower."

"So?"

"So, I don't want you to run." Taking her hands in my own I fastened them with the sheet against the towel railing. I only hoped she wouldn't try break free, the railing was cheap and wouldn't take much to break but it was the only option I had, unless I wanted her in the shower with me.

I started getting undressed but stopped when I saw she was staring at me.

"Turn around" I ordered,

"Why? The glass is see-through, I'm going to see you naked anyway."

"You're too smart for your own good." I finished undressing and avoided eye contact as I climbed into the shower.

I started cleaning myself off, flinching every now and then as the hot water hit my bruises. I was fully aware of Spencer's eyes on me the whole time. It was unnerving.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I'm not, well I am but not at you, I'm staring at your scars, you've got so many." I shivered, I had marks and scars covering most of my body. For the first time ever, I felt self conscious. Turning the water off, I made a quick exit out of the shower.

I was surprised to see Spencer, with a towel in one hand and the broken rail in the other. She didn't escape, I took the towel from her and dried myself off.

"How did you get them?"

I didn't answer, now that I knew she wasn't going to run there was no need for me to keep her in the bathroom with me,

"Go into the bedroom, watch some television. I need to get dressed."

"Oh, so now you're modest?" she rolled her eyes at me and walked out the bathroom.

I dressed quickly and followed into the room. Spencer was lying in the middle of the bed, laughing at something on the screen.

I glanced at the bed – a double bed, the only bed in the room. I was waiting for her to move up, to give me space but she didn't. I sat down on the edge of the bed, forcing my eyes onto the screen. I hated television.

"I'm starving," Spencer got up and switched the television off before coming to stand across from me,

"if you're going to keep me captive could you at least feed me?"

This was too much responsibility, I hardly ate and now I was responsible for the wellbeing of another person.

"I saw a vending machine downstairs, I'll go get you something."

"A vending machine, are you for real? I want pizza"

"Pizza?" I raised my eyebrow at her.

"Yes, you know that round thing with dough and cheese, lots of mushrooms and meat?"

I shrugged at her and shook my head,

"I haven't eaten pizza before."

"That's rather shocking, I'm going to order pizza – you're in for a treat." She walked to the bedside table, lifting up the receiver.

"Wait," I moved to stop her.

"Relax, I'm just going to order pizza – the number is on the phone, I'm not going to say anything to them. You can stand here and listen."

I nodded, hesitantly and watched as she dialled, she was deep in conversation mentioning various toppings, it was all a blur to me. I saw her glance at me quickly, before halting her conversation "Wait, hold on."

"Is there anything you don't like to eat?"

I shrugged, this was a trick question. I really was not sure, the agency never put much thought into what they fed us. I practically lived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and on the odd occasion crisps.

A memory came flashing back, this one more clearer. A little me, sitting on a chair being fed something by a women, my mother maybe? A piece of meat, I kept spitting it out and crying that I didn't want it. I shook my head, needing to get rid of the unpleasant memory.

"Uhm, meat." I mumbled.

"What?"

"I er, I don't eat meat." I spoke a little louder. Spencer frowned at me and spoke again, this time into the receiver.

"Cancel that, just send a vegetarian one and one with mushrooms and pepperoni, thanks." She hung up and looked at me again,

"You don't eat meat?" I shook my head no.

"You're odd, what do you like to eat?"

I didn't enjoy this conversation, I didn't enjoy conversing with Spencer. She asked too many questions, I wished I was alone. I preferred silence, solitude.

"God you're strange," She mumbled before falling back onto the bed. I was silent, watching her. I could see a trail of tears fall down her cheeks, she was silently crying. A wave of guilt rushed through me, at least I thought it was guilt.

I sat down quietly on the bed, this time more towards the side she seemed to be favouring. I had no words to comfort her with, I had nothing. There was deadly silence in the room, it went on for ages neither one of us saying anything. I closed my eyes, willing my thoughts away from this place, away from this room.

"Why am I here?" Silence broken, I opened my eyes looking at her. She was no longer crying, her eyes were completely dry.

"I was hired to kill you," it was no use lying. She deserved to know the truth.

"Why did you miss?"

A question I didn't have an answer to, a question I kept asking myself.

Another question I would avoid,

"The people I work for – well worked for, are very dangerous. They are coming for you, because I failed they're going to send someone else after you, someone who won't hesitate to kill you."

Spencer turned to face me, fully. "Can't you go back to them and ask them to leave us alone?"

I let out a bitter laugh,

"It really isn't that simple. I have already spoken to them, they gave me an opportunity to redeem myself – I had to kill you at the hospital. I failed again, they have terminated me." I looked down, this was all very difficult to speak about.

I felt Spencer's hand on my chin, I flinched. She shuddered and quickly pulled her hand away,

"I'm sorry. What do you mean by them terminating you? I don't understand…"

"Nobody disobeys the Agency and lives. I went against their orders and must now be punished, I've signed my own death warrant. They are coming to get us both, Spencer."

"So you're a hit er man?"

I nodded, I was ashamed – embarrassed to admit what I really was. I was experiencing so many new emotions all at once. Sorrow, remorse… it was all so out of control.

I wanted to say so much, to explain but we were interrupted by a knock on the door. I jumped up, I was getting weak. I should have anticipated the knock, I should have sensed that someone was close.

"Go into the bathroom, quick!"

"Why?" Now really wasn't the time to argue,

"Your face is splashed all over the news, I can't risk him recognizing you!"

She nodded, not arguing any further.

I opened the door and quickly paid for the pizza before letting Spencer know that it was safe to come.

We were sitting on the bed now, each one of us with our pizza. She was eating while I just sat staring down at my own box.

"It's safe to eat, you'll like it. I promise." I slowly picked up a slice of pizza, it was messy. I took a small bite of the pizza, my eyes going wide. I had no idea what love was, it was something I never experienced before but this felt like love, this was so good. I took another bite, this time a much bigger one.

Spencer smiled, "See I told you it was good!"

I didn't say anything, I did not want to speak with my mouth full.

I ate the entire pizza, it really was good. I blushed when I noticed that Spencer only ate three slices.

"Will you finish your story?"

It was late, I really was tired and this was no bedtime story but I knew the sooner I told Spencer the sooner she'd stop asking questions.

I straightened up, I was for too comfortable sharing this space with her.

"We need to find out who wants you dead, I need to kill them before they kill you."

"Do you really have to kill?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it's what I do, because we have no other choice." I stood up, yawning.

"Look it's late, I'm tired. Lets just go to bed"

"Aren't you afraid I'm going to escape?" I wasn't really but I didn't want her to know that. I went into the bathroom, finding the torn sheet from earlier and came back into the room, Spencer knew what I was about to do. Without a word she lifted her wrists towards me to fasten, I realized there was a problem, there was no bedpost to fasten Spencer against.

Realizing the problem, Spencer gave me a smug grin.

"Oh no, what are you going to do now?"

"You really are so annoying, has anyone ever told you that?" Taking her one hand and then my own, I carefully fastened our wrists together before dropping down onto the floor, Spencer falling to the bed.

"We're going to sleep like this?" She tugged at my arm dangling uncomfortably in the air between us.

"I've slept in worse conditions, now go to sleep."

"Fine, suit yourself." She turned to face away from me, almost taking my arm off in the process. I sighed,

"You did that on purpose."

She laughed, "So what if I did? You gonna get your gun?"

"I really wish I killed you when I had the chance." I closed my eyes, hoping it would not be a battle to fall asleep.

Wishful thinking, Spencer was tossing and turning, constantly pulling at my arm. I stood up, the room was so dark, everything quiet. I looked down at the bed, noticing the pillow next to Spencer. How easy it would be to lift the pillow and smother her.

I shook these thoughts out of my head, this girl was doing something to me. She was changing me, making me soft. I was getting too involved in this, only making this situation so much harder.

I bent over her, tapping at her shoulder.

"What?"

"You're moving around too much, I can't sleep." I yawned, to prove my point.

"I can't help it, I don't normally sleep attached to another person. It really would make it a lot easier if you were on the bed with me, then I could at least move my arm a bit and not bother you."

I let out a deep breath, "Fine, just move up." I could see her smile in the dark, she shifted over allowing me to climb under the covers. My body stiffened instantly, I was not used to sharing a bed with anyone, this was the first time ever. Sitting next to Spencer was one thing but sleeping next to her was another, I was out of my comfort zone.

"You can relax," Spencer was facing me, I could feel her breathing against my skin, sending chills up my spine. My stomach was in knots.

"What's your name?" She whispered, I didn't want this pillow talk.

"I don't have a name" I mumbled, closing my eyes hoping she'd get the hint.

"Can I give you a name?" I opened my eyes to look at her,

"No. Now sleep"

"Fine, goodnight thingie magig."

"Don't call me that"

"You don't have a name what else am I supposed to call you?"

"Just call me Ashley okay, Now go to sleep." The room fell silent, I closed my eyes again letting sleep consume my body.

Only an hour, thats how much sleep I got before I felt a weight on top of me, my eyes flickered open. Spencer was on top of me, strangling me. I could feel my breathing stiffen. This wasn't a dream, I moved my arms to her hands, I was stronger than her. I pulled her arms away from me. She had tears in her eyes, I moved so I was now lying on top of her, her arms pinned above her head. Using the sheet was a bad idea.

"what are you doing?" she was struggling underneath me.

"I want to go home. I miss my family" She was crying now, the same sobbing as before in the car. It was the middle of the night, such a bad time for her to do this.

Still pinning her down I reached for my gun on the bedside table lifting it at her, her eyes went as wide as saucers.

"Please, what are you going to do?"

She started praying again, this time she obviously thought that my fear of killing her was over, that she had gone too far.

"You don't need the gun, please put it down."

"You didn't need to strangle me." I coughed, I got up and moved away from her. I looked at my watch. I was wasting time here with her. 34 hours were left, 34 hours of my life. There was a loud banging on the door.

"Is everything okay in there?"

It was the receptionist from earlier, I recognized his voice.

"Everything is fine."

"Open up, we've had complaints of a struggle in here."

"It's all okay, was the television set. I had it on too loud, I'm really sorry." I was expecting him to insist on coming inside but he was content with my answer,

"Okay, night Ma'am." I heard his footsteps fading away.

"We have to leave this place."

"Now? I'm tired!"

"I don't care, time is running out. We have to go, we must keep moving."

Spencer got up off the bed and moved closer to me. She was standing right in front of me, she lifted her hand to my face and in an instant she was kissing me, catching me by complete surprise. This was my first kiss, I was not used to physical contact like this. This was so wrong, I took a step back pushing her away from me.

"What are you doing?"

"If I sleep with you, will you let me go?" her words shocked me, surprising me more than the kiss. I slapped her. I slapped her hard, not caring about the blood flowing from her nose.

"I'm not that type of person now hurry we're leaving." I spat out feeling so offended. I was a lot of things - a cold blooded killer but having sex in exchange for anything was something I would never do. I moved towards the door, pulling it open.

I pointed down towards the car and looked at her. Spencer bowed her head, looking at the floor as she walked only pausing briefly when she needed to move past me, "I'm sorry," she whispered before heading towards the car with me trailing behind her.


	3. Devil in the details

Spencer stood back, looking puzzled when instead of opening the passenger side for her, I moved to the back of the car opening the boot instead.

"I'm going back in there?"

I nodded, "After the stunt you pulled in there - I don't want to see you!" I was livid, my hands shaking from anger.

"I said I was sorry, please. I'm begging you, don't make me get in there. I'm afraid."

I would not back down, I was back to my old self - I just didn't give a damn,

Spencer burst into tears, she was weak. I hated that, I watched as tears mixed with the blood from her nose and dug inside my pocket pulling out some napkins I stored while eating the pizza, not saying a word I shoved them in Spencer's hand and moved to get into the drivers side.

Every rational part of me was screaming for me to leave her behind, the car was running, it would be so easy to accelerate and go but I caught a glimpse of her in the review mirror, I watched as she walked to the passenger side, she climbed in neither one of us saying a word.

She was broken.

"Thank you," she whispered softly before resting her head against the side of the car, closing her eyes, to sleep I hoped.

I was back to driving around with no game plan, I was wasting gas but more importantly I was wasting time, I needed to get it together. I needed to use all my training to get us out of this mess.

I noticed a 24 hour convenience store up ahead and decided to stop, if we were going to be on the road we would need some supplies. I parked in a spot furtherest away from the entrance. Spencer was fast asleep beside me, I was weary of leaving her alone in the car, but she was sound asleep - for the first time she looked rather peaceful. A bruise was forming where I hit her earlier, a bruise to match the bandage still on her forehead. I made a mental note that the bandage would need changing soon, I didn't want it to get infected.

I walked into the store and tensed up. Spencer's face was on the cover of most of the newspapers, I could not risk being seen with her, I glanced outside the store to where the car was parked, the mop of blonde hair against the window told me she was still safe. I moved fast, going up and down the isles grabbing whatever I thought we might need along the way. I paused at the beauty products, the selection of hair dye catching my attention. It would not help much, but would work as a disguise for the time being. Spencer would have to dye her hair, another thing I was not good at - I grabbed any colour and made a dash for the til point, grabbing a bag of ice and a newspaper on my way out.

I slammed the car door shut, too loud, Spencer jerked her head up quickly taking in her surroundings. I handed her the bag of ice,

"What is this for?"

I didn't say anything, instead I pointed to her face. I watched as she applied the ice to the bruise, both of us cringing for different reasons.

The newspaper caught her attention, she grabbed it away from me studying the cover.

"They think I've been kidnapped."

I turned in my seat to face her, "Look Spencer, this is getting very serious now - you're all over the news, this will only provoke the Agency even more. I'm not kidnapping you - the violence, everything that has happened so far - I'm sorry for it all and I really want it to stop, for things to end but you must trust me. I will keep you alive for as long as I can." My voice trailed off, I was studying Spencer for a reaction.

She was silent for a moment before finally saying,

"I want to go home, I want to be with my family. I've made up my mind, I've thought about it - if I'm going to die I want to see my family, I need to say goodbye to them. I'm not like you, I don't want to fight or run. I simply want to go home."

I looked down, biting on my lip. Was this her last request? I could not identify with this - with the need to see a family, I tried to understand but it was so difficult. I let out a sigh,

"Want me to take you home?" I couldn't believe what I was asking.

Spencer nodded before the biggest smile I had ever seen appeared on her face,

"Oh thank you, thank you so much."

I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, driving back in the direction we had just come from. I kept thinking about the idea of family, wondering what I was missing out on. Thoughts of Aiden entered my mind, surprising me. He was the closest to family I had, we were once so close, close until... I sat up straight, focusing on the road. Another unpleasant memory I wanted to banish far away.

"What's wrong?" Spencer was watching me, "You look pale."

I shrugged, "Nothing." I let my fingers dig into the steering wheel.

"What are you going to do after all of this?" Her question caught me off guard, I had no idea.

I took my eyes off the road, taking a moment to study Spencer - really study her.

"It really doesn't matter what I do, they'll kill me. I might just make it easier for them, I might save them the trouble!"

"Hey," Spencer's hand moved to my wrist, tugging on it slightly, this time I didn't flinch away, "don't say that. Maybe they won't kill you, they'll be too busy coming after me then you can escape, you can leave this place and go somewhere else - anywhere you want, you won't have to kill anymore."

I smiled at the thought, an empty fantasy.

"I have an idea, What if... what if you kill me then they won't need to come after you?" I almost crashed,

"What, no!" I almost shouted,

"Just listen to me, please - whoever they send won't be gentle, I've not had much time to think about this idea but I don't want to die a violent death. You could kill me, gently!"

"There is no gentle way of dying, Spencer."

"How do you think they'll kill me? Will they torture me?"

For her sake I hoped it wouldn't go that far, I figured the Agency would simply hire another shooter to come after her.

"I can't kill you," I forced a smile, "like you said earlier, I don't have the guts." Spencer smiled.

I felt the need to reassure her, I didn't want her to think of her own death, I changed my voice trying to soothe her, give her some sense of hope. Spencer deserved that,

"It will be okay, your parents will protect you. They have money, they'll hire bodyguards."

"Yeah, maybe you're right..."

"Spencer, there's something you need to do though. We can't risk someone recognizing you before I get you to your family - I need you to dye your hair," I studied her face then added, "And take out your contacts."

"I don't wear contacts." I studied her eyes, they were crystal blue. Spencer blushed and turned away.

"Then please, dye your hair." I moved my hand from the steering wheel and rumagged through the grocery bag revealing the dye I picked out.

Spencer, ignoring the dye lifted up the bag to study it's contents,

"You bought bread, a tub of peanut butter and jelly. Why?"

It was my turn to blush now,

"My favourite food... the only food I know."

"You know pizza." We both smiled,

"I'm really sorry about coming onto you earlier, for uhm, my proposal."

I didn't want to speak about this, I moved to turn the radio louder, but Spencer hit my hand away,

"Please, I want to hear you - not the radio."

"What do you want to hear?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Spencer shook her head, no.

"Go on then, ask."

"Were you paid to kill people?"

"Yes."

"Were you paid to kill me?"

I shook my head, "No, I never completed the assignment."

"How much were they going to pay you then?"

Not the question she should be asking,

"I don't think I should answer, Do you really want to know how much your life is worth?"

"I guess not." There was silence again, before Spencer changed the topic of conversation.

"If you don't buy food, then what do you do with all the money you receive?"

I thought for a moment,

"I buy records, and save mostly."

"Records?"

"Albums, music..."

"You have an Ipod?"

"No, I have a portable cd player." Spencer laughed,

"You're so old fashioned."

"I don't exactly keep up with the latest trends."

"I bet you have all the latest weapons."

I rolled my eyes and gave her an evil smirk, "Yes, just a pity I never got to test them out on you."

I did not mind this line of questioning, but I needed to know who would want her dead, it had been puzzling me ever since I was given the assignment. If anyone knew the answer, it should be Spencer.

"Who would want you dead?" I finally spoke.

"I don't know."

"You must have enemies?" I was trying my best to concentrate on both the road and Spencer.

"I really don't, I swear." I nodded, we were approaching a motel, this one already looking better than the previous one. I decided to stop and hire a room, Spencer would need to change her hair and we could both do with some rest before the rest of the journey.

Once settled, Spencer finally paid attention to the bottle of hair dye,

"I really don't think black will suit me, a little extreme don't you think?"

I just shrugged and went back to making my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spencer let out a sigh before going into the bathroom.

While eating, my mind kept going back to Aiden. I needed to reach him, we were once close. I needed information from him, if I had him on our side, things would be a lot easier.

Spencer came out of the bathroom, her now very dark hair still wet. She was wrapped in a towel, I shifted uncomfortably, deciding to make an exit I stood up,

"I need to make a phone call." Spencer nodded and went to hand me the phone from the bedside table but I shook my head,

"There's a pay phone down the road. I won't be long."

"You're going to leave me here, alone?"

"I trust you now." I grabbed my hoodie off the bed and wrapped it around myself as I left the room, the cold air hit me instantly, it was icy cold. I jogged to the painful, hoping it would warm me up.

I knew his phone would be bugged but I didn't care, we would be away from this place soon enough. I just needed to hear a familiar voice, I needed some clarity. I started dialling, a number he made me memorize so many years ago.

He answered on the first ring, surprising me. There was silence, no greeting.

"Ashley?" He knew it was me, surprising me again. I wondered if I was the only person who had this number, his private line.

"Who wants her dead?"

I heard him sigh, "You know I'm not authorized to disclose this information."

"Please," my voice was cracking.

"Where are you Ash, let me come get you."

"I don't want to die,"

"Agent," his voice changed "I cannot speak to you, You've risked too much by contacting me. This line isn't secure."

"I don't care, I don't care Aiden." I was was shaking, "Please just tell me..."

Aiden started saying something but my attention was elsewhere, back to the hotel. I could see our room from where I was standing - There was a man at the door knocking, it was all happening in slow motion. I closed my eyes, hoping, wishing that Spencer would not open the door. I held in my breath, counting slowly - Aiden completely forgotten on the other end. I reached 20, when the door swung open revealing Spencer. I dropped the phone, faintly hearing Aiden's voice telling me to get a cell phone.

I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, making sure my gun was loaded as I ran. I reached the room in seconds, catching my breath as I heard Spencer telling the guy that the television wasn't working. A maintenance guy, all this panic over a maintenance guy. I stood back, letting my head hit against the wall. A feeling of relief washed over me, all of it vanishing the instant I heard him ask if she was the girl who had been kidnapped.

I was silly for thinking a bad dye job would make her unrecognizable. I had to kill him, all this time on the run I was hoping there would be no more blood shed, but this had to be done. I was having doubts, I was changing at a rapid pace - I was rejecting the only lifestyle I was accustomed to.

Counting to three, I entered the room instantly behind him - I had the gun against the back of his head, Spencer's eyes went wide.

"Close the door," she nodded and ran to the door.

"As for you," I pushed the gun deeper into his forehead, "Get down on the ground," he started to turn, I couldn't risk him seeing me if I was going to spare his life, something I doubted.

"Don't look at me, I said get down on the ground." He fell to his knees in an instant, I could hear Spencer behind me, cursing and freaking out. I needed her to stay calm, I couldn't deal with a freaked out Spencer, not when I was trying my best to stay calm.

I studied the man on the ground, it didn't have to be this way but I had no other way, I made sure the silencer was secure - I couldn't risk anyone hearing a gunshot, I didn't want a blood bath.

I moved over the man, ready to fire when I heard Spencer speak up - ever so softly,

"Please don't." Tears, she was crying again. I made her cry so much, I suddenly felt so ashamed. I didn't want her to see me like this, I didn't want to kill this man in front of her.

"Go into the bathroom and stay calm, I'll tell you when it's safe to come out."

"No... no... no, you cannot kill him."

"Listen to her please," the man interrupted as if he had a say in all of this, "I won't say anything, I promise. I have a family, please let me go." Family, everyone had a family except me.

"Go to the bathroom Spencer," my eyes were wild, I was in full kill mode. Spencer rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

I sat on the bed, calming myself down. This was all spiralling so out of control,

"Do you have children?"

The man looked up, "Don't." He looked down, quickly.

"Yes, two."

I stood up, pacing. I was turning into a coward, second guessing myself all the time.

I was done with this, lifting the gun I moved closer to him and hit him over the head with the gun, he was out cold in an instant.

"Come out," Spencer was in the room in an instant, falling to her knees beside the man, a tiny pool of blood next to him.

"You killed him?"

I didn't answer, instead I grabbed him by the feet and started to drag him to the bathroom, I gave Spencer a quick look - she was sitting on the bed shaking, her arms wrapped protectively around herself.

"He isn't dead," She looked up at me,

"You didn't?"

"No, he is out cold, he will be for a couple of hours. Lets get to bed."

Spencer nodded, starting to undress. I made a mental note to stop for new sets of clothing in the morning.

Turning away from Spencer, I removed my own pants and hoodie. I was changing, maybe Spencer was changing me or maybe, I was starting to accept my fate. I realized that I was no longer afraid of dying, I was ready to go. I turned, my eyes finding Spencer's, she was in bed, on her back looking up at me.

It took me two steps to reach the bed, it took me two steps to believe that what I was about to do was the right thing. For tonight, it was what both of us needed, I could sense it. Spencer never said a word, and neither did I because no words were necessary. I climbed under the covers, moving closer to her. I was expecting her to move away after everything she had witnessed, but she was still - not moving at all. I closed my eyes, shy - afraid of seeing her reaction, carefully and slowly I moved my arm around her waist, holding her tightly I used my strength to move her closer to me, right against my shaking body. I took another chance, leaning my head against her chest, listening to her heart beats quicken - a chance that made me open my eyes and smile a thousand inner smiles as her hand moved in the dark to find my own, holding it tightly, holding it for dear life.


	4. Misguided Ghosts

My eyes fluttered open, I managed to sleep a good couple of hours. I was comfortable beside Spencer, Spencer. My eyes opened wider, she was no longer next to me. I sat up quickly, there was no sign of her anywhere in the room. I stood up, rushing to check the bathroom.

Spencer was sitting across from the still sleeping maintenance guy, her eyes were puffy. She was rocking herself, her hands wrapped tightly around her legs. I sat on the side of the bath, waiting for her to tell me what was wrong.

"Will you kill him?" I gulped, my throat suddenly dry.

"No, we can leave him here. Someone will find him, it'll be okay." Spencer nodded and smiled,

"I'm glad."

"We need to get out of here though." I bent down, blushing slightly as I brushed past Spencer to examine the guy. I was in luck, he had a phone on him, there was not much battery life left but it would do.

I straightened up, "Pack up, I'll meet you at the car - have a call I need to make." I slipped the phone into my pocket, quickly gathered up my few belongings and left the room.

I stood at the car, pacing. I needed to speak to Aiden, I had so many unanswered questions floating about in my head, I so badly needed answers, I so badly needed to understand what was going on. Everything went so horribly wrong, so fast. I grabbed the phone dialling quickly,

"Can you make this line secure?" I was so anxious.

"Ash?" He called me Ash, I was no longer an Agent to him.

"You know I cannot help you, if they catch me they'll kill me." A sacrifice I was willing to make, his life for Spencer's?

I looked around to make sure Spencer was not coming out - I didn't want her to hear this conversation,

"I know, oh god how I know but I'm going out of my fucking mind here, Aiden!"

"Where are you?" he was whispering, someone had to be listening in.

"I'm on the road, I'm going to take the girl home - it's where she wants to be." I avoided calling her Spencer, I didn't want to show any signs of attachment.

"It won't be much longer before they find you Ash, you must forget about the girl. Save yourself."

"I can't Aiden, please help me. Who ordered the hit?"

"I don't know, they don't leave files lying around, you know that is classified information."

I sighed, noticing Spencer coming towards me.

I spoke fast, "help me, call me back on this number." Aiden would have the call traced.

I hung up as Spencer reached me, "Who was that?"

"Nobody, get in the car."

We drove in silence, getting closer to Spencer's house. With each mile driven I was getting more and more nervous. My hands were shaking, I kept glancing back over my shoulder expecting to find someone behind us. I was at a point where I didn't care what happened to me, all I wanted was for Spencer to reach her family. I was willing to die on her doorstep as long as she made it inside, I was happy to accept my fate but an innocent girl like Spencer did not deserve to die.

The silence of the car ride allowed me to think about my own life, I had nothing worth living for. I had no family, I had no friends. The only joy in my life was music and even that was gone, all music destroyed in my crummy apartment. Death would be a better option for me, I'd be doing the world a favour. I was a monster, killing people. I thought about Spencer back in the hospital room when she prayed, I found myself wondering if I should pray? I didn't know if I believed in God, I had no idea what I could believe in. I was lost, never to be saved. People like me were never saved - people like me didn't deserve to live, didn't deserve a God - real or fake.

I was biting my lip, a recent habit I picked up. I turned to look at Spencer, to see what she was doing, why she was so quiet. She was staring at me, day dreaming.

I coughed, "Why do you always stare at me?"

Spencer shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "You remind me of someone I once loved..." she was looking down, away from me.

"What happened to -" I couldn't finish my sentence I was not sure of Spencer's sexual preference, my mind raced back to the profile I studied, her sexual preference was left blank.

"Her," Spencer filled in for me, my facial expression did not change.

"What happened to her then?"

"She passed away, there was an accident." I wish I didn't ask, Spencer was looking sad now and I didn't know what to say to her, I had no right to be sympathetic - not when I killed, not when I destroyed families. It didn't seem right to me, I forced my eyes back on the road. I couldn't look at her, I was overcome with so much guilt.

"Have you killed many people?" I didn't want to answer, I couldn't answer. So many faces flashed before my eyes, so many lives I took on purpose and so many... so many I could not allow myself to think about but my mind would not allow me the luxury of forcing the memory away, it was something I was forced to live with, at night before falling asleep I would close my eyes and hear screaming - voices filled with panic, I could hear the pain in their screams. Sometimes I would see faces in my dreams, nobody deserved to die. My head felt like it was going to explode, I tried to focus on something else, anything else - Spencer.

"You're crying, are you okay?" my terrible thoughts were interrupted, I looked down to Spencer's hand, her fingers entwined with mine. I could feel the tears burning my cheeks, I couldn't drive any further so I pulled over. All these memories were so overwhelming.

"Hey.. Sshhh, please don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you." I was trying to calm myself, I was trying so hard but my body was shaking, I was sobbing. Spencer un-buckled her seat belt and leaned closer, her arms finding their way around my body, holding me tight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head against her chest,

"I can't, it hurts too much." A constant pain in my chest that would never go away.

"I'm sorry," I was suddenly embarrassed, ashamed of my display of emotions, I took a deep breath, fully aware of just how close I was to Spencer. I could see the goose flesh forming as my breath hit her skin, I moved back slightly.

"Don't be, you're allowed to fall apart."

I nodded and caught myself yawning, I was so tired and emotionally drained, I just wanted it all to be over. Over, I cringed.

"Want me to drive for a bit?" I nodded, still aware that even slightly moved back we were still very close to one another, I couldn't let myself get close to her, not when she would be gone in a few hours. I opened my car door, ruining any intimate moment we may have been sharing - I was unsure, Spencer let go of me and moved back, both of us moving to get out so we could change sides.

-

We were here, parked in Spencer's road. I was expecting her to fly out the car and run to her house, to her family but that wasn't the case. We were both sitting in the car, silent - dealing with our messed up emotions.

Spencer finally spoke, taking in a deep breath she slapped her hands against her knees and looked at me, "This is going to sound really strange but I'm going to miss you."

I knew I would miss her too, in the short period of time we spent together I changed, I was opening up around her - I was discovering so many new emotions, some frightening and some good. I smiled my most genuine smile, "I will miss you too."

"Do you think we'll see each other again... you know, before we both die?" She forced out a laugh. Our death - I wondered if the Agency knew we were here, how long we had left. Time was not standing still for us.

"I'm sure we will," it would never happen.

Spencer nodded, "I better go, tell my family I'm okay." I nodded, I noticed Spencer avoiding eye contact with me, she rushed to open the door. I couldn't help but notice that she was crying, I bit my lip forcing back tears of my own. We had formed a bond in such a short period of time, I felt so connected to her, more so than anyone else.

Spencer was climbing out, there was so much I was longing to say to her, if only we met under better circumstances, I found myself regretting those hours spent driving in silence - wasted opportunity to talk to her, to get to know her. I wanted to cry out to her, plead with her to stay with me. Spencer bent down, looking at me for probably the last time, her mouth opened then closed. She wanted to say something, we both wanted to but instead she smiled and I lifted my hand to give her a wave. The door shut closed, I swallowed the lump in my throat.

I watched as she started to walk away, I was prepared to watch every step she took, prepared to sacrifice my life to ensure her safe return but my viewing was interrupted by the buzzing sound of my phone ringing. I fumbled to answer,

"Aiden?"

"Yes,"

"Oh god, thank you. Please tell me you know ordered the hit," I continued to watch Spencer, she was almost there.

"Ashley, Ashley...are you listening?" I was too distracted by Spencer.

"Shit, sorry - do you know who ordered the hit?"

I could hear Aiden sigh, "I just told you, Ashley, it was -"


	5. Call to arms

I dropped the phone, my face instantly pale. I needed to reach Spencer before she made it to the front door. I climbed out the car and ran as fast as my legs would carry me. This couldn't be happening, Aiden had to be wrong but I wasn't taking any chances.

"Spencer… Spencer! Wait, don't go inside." I was shouting and running, praying she would hear me. I couldn't let her go inside, I stopped dead in my tracks. I was too late, she was ringing the bell. The door was bound to open at any second.

"Spencer!" My voice was hoarse but loud, loud enough to make Spencer stop and turn to face me, a puzzled look on her face. I caught up to her,

"I can't let you go in." I had my arm on hers, already attempting to drag her back towards the car – away from the door. She wasn't moving.

"What are you doing?"

"Please, I'm begging you. Trust me, come with me!"

"No, you agreed to let me see my family, let go of me Ashley."

I couldn't let Spencer go inside, not when the enemy was behind those doors.

"You can't." My voice was stern,

"Screw you Ashley," she pushed me away from her, I was fast - grabbing her in an instant and dragging her backwards away from the door. She was pounding away at me which only made my grip on her tighten.

"You're hurting me." I had to, this had to be done, I was only protecting her.

"You'll thank me later." I said between gritted teeth.

We were getting closer to the car, Spencer struggling with less force. I refused to look at her - I didn't want to see the hurt look on her face, hurt caused by me. I let my hand wander from her arm to her hand, letting it grip hers, giving it a tight squeeze. I wanted it to be reassuring but it backfired.

Spencer gave me a look of such hatred before using whatever strength she had left to push me away from her, I stumbled back.

"Mom, Dad! Help."

This was it, the end. I stood numb, unable to move as I watched family member one by one come out of the house. They all looked exactly as they did on the news. Spencer was in her father's arms in an instant, crying on his chest as he stroked her hair trying to calm her down.

"Glen, go inside, call the police." My attention moved away from them, to Spencer's mother - _Paula Carlin_. I stood in shock, my eyes narrowing.

I was still numb, not bothering to defend myself as Spencer's father stormed up to me and slapped me hard across the face, I deserved it.

"What did you do to my daughter?"

I knew I could fight back, I could protect myself. To hit back would be so easy, to kill him would be even easier. It didn't stop after a slap, I was on the ground, him pounding away at me. I didn't move, not even to protect my face. My mind was elsewhere, away from this place. I only knew this was real because I could taste blood in my mouth, I could feel my clothes getting soaked in my own blood. Would this be how I die - at the hands of Spencer's father?

I was getting a sick sense of satisfaction from this.

"Dad, stop! You're going to kill her." My mind came rushing back. Spencer was beside me, bent down wiping away at my blood stained hair. I couldn't move, I couldn't hear properly, my focus only on the pounding of my heart.

I spat out blood, gulping for air. I looked up at Spencer, my voice a mere whisper, "Please come with me…" I was injured now, trapped. The police would arrive shortly. I had no way of escaping.

Spencer did not answer, instead she stood up and walked towards her mother, crying again. I battled to stand up, I needed to get up. I was coughing so much. Every part of my body was aching but I needed to get Spencer away from the enemy.

I was up, barely.

"Ggget the fuck away from her!"

I was standing tall now, not for much longer though. Another hit, this time in the jaw. I fell down, my eyes were wet. Tears, a wave of emotion poured through me, I was going to die here. I was going to die in front of Spencer, by the hands of her family. I looked up at her father, he was going to hit me again, I was struggling to understand it – to understand why he was killing me when his wife was the one that ordered the hit. I knew he was protecting his daughter against me, but I wasn't the one causing her any harm – his wife was.

The hit came, more blood. I was bleeding over the lawn, over the pavement. Any normal person would be dead by now, but not me – I was a fighter, I was fighting for Spencer.

"The cops are five minutes away." Her brothers came rushing out the house, stopping in their tracks when they saw me.

"Jesus dad, you're going to kill her."

"Let the cops deal with her."

I hardly had any strength left, I wasn't even sure if I would make it back to the car.

I needed to get up again, I was struggling. Spencer came over again, helping me to my feet. I could hardly see her now, my eyes were starting to swell shut.

"You're not safe here." I had to look so gross to Spencer. I couldn't believe how horribly wrong this went.

"Why Ash, why? You agreed to drop me off, what made you change your mind?"

"Safety," I could not hear my words coming out, I wasn't even sure if I was speaking.

"I don't care about my safety, I already told you I just want to be with my family." I looked over her shoulder, taking in her family. Her father's arms wrapped around his wife, the brothers standing side by side. I so badly wanted to tell her that her mother wanted her dead, but it would destroy her. The words were on the tip of my tongue, it was the only way I'd be able to get Spencer to come with me but in the state I was in, it really was no use.

I would not make it very far, not like this. I was at my weakest, I could not offer Spencer any form of protection. Maybe she really was better off with her family. At least I knew Paula did not have the guts to kill her herself, she needed someone else to do the dirty work.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of sirens. They were coming for me, Spencer was still beside me, holding on to me. I was leaning so heavily on her, I knew if she moved away from me I'd only fall back down.

I needed a plan; I needed to get to my car. The door was open, the keys still in the ignition, if I could only get there. I started breathing in heavily, if I was going to reach my car I would need all the oxygen I could get.

The brother and the father would be my biggest threat, hell even Paula as cowardly as she was would be able to reach me. I moved my feet slightly, testing them. There was pain, but my legs were not broken, I was glad. I started to lean away from Spencer, gaining my own balance back.

The sirens were so much louder now, they had to be only a street or two away. I couldn't help but feel a little bit disappointed by Spencer, I bit the inside of my mouth, what harm would more blood do? I was already a mess.

I was standing on my own now, hardly – but I was doing it. I sniffed up blood, I used my bloody and shaky hand to wipe at my eyes, I needed to see where I was going.

I took a few steps back, watching them all. It hurt, it hurt like hell. I tried to block the pain out, the sirens were deafening, I could see the cars now speeding towards me. I took in a deep breath, praying it would not be my last as I turned and ran towards my car only taking a few steps before pausing. I couldn't do it, in a flash I turned back around. Like a football player I went for Spencer catching her off guard, my body screaming at me. I was crazy, I was in pain but I would not go without Spencer.

I think she was too surprised to fight back. I was running or rather wobbling with her. My efforts were all wasted, her brothers and father catching up to me easily. I was at the car, attempting to get in but they had her. It really was no use, the cops were right there not even metres away.

I let go of Spencer, my eyes drooping as I did so. I slammed the car door shut, pulling off as fast as the car would allow.

I don't know what made me do it, what made me look back but I did slamming on brakes immediately. In an instant all the pain, the blood, the bruises it was all worth the sight of Spencer chasing after the car, yelling for me to wait for her.

The door opened and Spencer was in, I sped off, the cops right behind.

I was driving fast, reckless.

"I'm so confused."

I couldn't speak now, I couldn't have this conversation with Spencer. Not while driving,

"I'll explain everything later, we just need to get away from here." I continued to drive, ignoring the pain, I wanted to pass out, I was fighting with all my might against the part of me that wanted to give in and die.

I knew we would not get far but with Spencer beside me I would die happy.

There were three cars chasing us now, I was weaving between traffic – crashing into things only causing more injuries.

I didn't care though, I – we, we had to keep on moving.

I heard gunfire, Spencer jumped.

"They're shooting at us,"

I spun my head around, ignoring the review mirror. I caught sight of a black Xterra, I smiled wider than ever before,

"No, it's help."

I continued to drive, not allowing myself to be distracted by Aiden, I still couldn't believe it, he was helping. He really was my saviour.

I was aware of Spencer joining in on the action now, she was screaming for me to drive faster, her hand on my leg urging me on. I looked down, her hand was drenched in my blood but she was not putting her off.

I looked in the mirror, catching sight of Aiden. He was gaining speed, he was beside the cop cars now, I watched, memorized - almost crashing into the car in front of me when I saw him pull out two hand grenades and throwing them towards the cop cars.

I stopped driving, instead watching as the cars blew up. It was not a pretty sight, more lives taken - more blood spillage but this time it had to be done. Their lives were sacrificed to save our own.

I pulled the car over, opening the door I almost fell out. I had to lean heavily against the door for support. I could hear Spencer climbing out her side, coming to stand beside me. Her face was as white as snow. I didn't blame her for being so confused but for now I wasn't thinking about Spencer instead all my attention was on the car stopping in front of us.

Aiden.

I was expecting him to climb out, to come closer but he didn't – he remained in his car. We did not break eye contact I just couldn't bring myself to look away – not even when his window rolled down. Not even to catch the backpack he was throwing at me.

I wanted to say something to him. I needed to find a way to say "thank you", but it was not necessary, he was already driving off.

Spencer moved to where the backpack was, pulling it over her shoulder.

"I don't think I can drive any further." Spencer nodded before moving towards me and helping me to the passenger side of the car.

"Who was that guy?"

"I work with him."

She raised her eyebrow, moving the backpack to rest by my feet.

"What?"

She shrugged, "it's nothing. I uhm, I've seen him before."

Spencer had to be mistaken, it was impossible. Even if her mother did order the hit she would not come into contact with Aiden.

"Where?"

"I can't remember." Spencer leaned in closer, cupping my face in her hand. I flinched, the pain returning to my body.

"We better get going, need to find a place to get you all cleaned up."

I was quiet, my body aching. I waited for Spencer to climb in before allowing myself to relax.

-

We pulled into an old hotel, it looked so much better than the previous ones.

I tried to sit up but Spencer stopped me, "Wait in the car okay?" I nodded, too weak to argue.

I took this time to inspect the backpack, Aiden was more then generous inside was cash, new passports, clean clothing and weapons. A basic survival kit.

Spencer came back minutes later, grinning from ear to ear waving a room key in the air.

I raised an eyebrow, "You didn't need cash?"

She shook her head, "Nope. A perk of being a cheerleader, this hotel hosts State championships, they know me by now." she helped me out of the car.

The room was nice, very big. Most importantly, it was clean. Spencer led me into the bathroom.

"Take off your clothes," I blushed. I attempted to take off my top but the material moving against my skin hurt too much.

"It's okay, we'll start with your face." Spencer put some warm water in the basin and took a wash rag bringing it up to my face,

"This is going to sting but at least we're alive to clean you up." She smiled.

I tried moving away each time Spencer touched any part of my face. I didn't want to look into the mirror, I was afraid of what I would see.

"I cannot believe my father did this to you."

"It's okay, he was protecting you."

"He isn't a violent man. He is a social worker for Christ's sake."

"It's okay."

"You're going to be so swollen tomorrow."

"It's okay,"

"It's not. Look at you, you're a mess!"

I cringed, those words hurt more than the bruises.

"I didn't mean it like that," Spencer ran her fingers over my neck gently forcing my head up, forcing me to look at her.

I just shrugged, whispering "It's okay."

I didn't know what else to say. Spencer moved to unfasten my pants, I gulped.

"We need to clean up the rest of you," I nodded; she helped me up so she could remove my pants.

My legs were bloody and blue,

"While you're up lets take that top off."

I lifted my arms as best as I could allowing Spencer to remove my top. It hurt less with her doing it. She was so gentle; I sat back down on the toilet seat.

"Wait here, I think I have something better." She rushed out of the bathroom coming back seconds later carrying two bottles of alcohol from the mini bar.

"We're going to drink?"

"No silly, the alcohol is for your wounds." This was going to hurt like hell, I watched as Spencer mixed the alcohol with new warm water.

It didn't hurt as much as expected, Spencer was so careful. For as long back as I could remember nobody had ever been so careful with me, so gently. Goose bumps formed as her fingers roamed over my exposed skin.

I was enjoying this moment, having Spencer look after me felt good. I looked down to her fingers that were now tracing patterns over my scars. My scars – Spencer was seeing me at my most vulnerable. I got up, almost knocking her over in the process to get a gown from behind the door.

"You don't have to be ashamed of your scars, you're so beautiful Ashley."

This girl was getting – no, she already was under my skin. I didn't know how it happened but it did. I was starting to worry that maybe I did in fact know what love was, that these butterflies fluttering about were all part of the feeling. Love, could I be in love? Was I even capable of loving?

I moved to get into bed, another night with just a double bed between us. I was so tired, the cold sheets felt so good against my skin.

Spencer climbed in a few minutes after me,

"I'm sorry I upset you."

I didn't reply - I was drifting off to sleep. My eyes heavy, I was almost there when Spencer spoke again,

"Why wouldn't you let me stay at home?" I knew this moment would come, I opened my eyes, I didn't know how I was going to answer her but I knew that if anything, she deserved to know the truth especially after her decision to come with me. .

"Spencer…"

"Yes?"

"You know before, when you caught me on the phone?"

"Yes…"

"I was speaking to Aiden, the guy from earlier, in the car."

"Yes."

"Spencer…I was trying to find out who hired me to kill you."

"Yes..." I could pick up the fear in her voice, under the covers her hand moved to hold my own.

"Spencer," this was going to be hard.

"Yes?"

"It was your mother."

There were no more words, only the feeling of her nails digging deep into my skin.


	6. Somewhere in between

"Are you okay?" Spencer was pacing. I sat up as best as I could to watch her, I didn't know what to say or do. My body was still aching from the day's events.

"Am I okay? Are you fucking crazy? My mother wants me dead, and you're asking if I'm okay?" She stopped pacing to glare at me. I looked away, my hands nervously playing with the bedspread. She was swearing, I never heard her swear before.

"I need a drink." She had her jacket on and was about to leave, I needed to stop her. I couldn't let her leave - not like this.

"Wait, please just wait. There's a mini bar here, stay... drink here if you must but please don't leave." I felt the need to get as close to her as possible, I stumbled out of the bed trying to reach her.

Spencer was moving away from me, closer to the door. Her face was stern, full of anger. My out of order heart was breaking for her.

"I don't want to see you right now," Words spoken with such hatred but here I was pleading - willing to do whatever it took to get her to stay in this room, to stay with me.

"Talk to me, hate me if you must but don't go." I would not give up on her, I would not allow her to give up on herself. She moved closer,

"Fuck off Ashley!" she pushed me, I was caught off guard I went tumbling back, onto the bed. I was in too much pain to chase after her, was this what she wanted?

"I'm sorry." I had so much to be sorry for that I couldn't decide exactly what this apology was for but I wanted her to hear it, I was sincere. I meant it with all of my being.

"You're sorry?" Spencer frowned,

"You're fucking sorry? Why Ashley? You're not the one that wants a fucking bullet through my skull!" I didn't know what to say, Spencer was scaring me. Her anger was so raw, she was out of control.

"Fine go," I couldn't look at her, it was all hurting too much.

"I don't need your fucking permission," Spencer paused, "I wish you killed me when you had the chance! Don't wait up." The door slammed shut, she was gone.

4:30 am and still no sign of Spencer. I had images of her lying dead somewhere in a gutter or sitting in a chair in the middle of nowhere being tortured by someone from the Agency. I was tired and my entire body still ached but I couldn't switch off my mind, I couldn't stop worrying about Spencer - thinking about her.

I needed to find her, there was a bar downstairs - The perfect place to start looking, I would only allow myself to panic if she was not there. I got up to get dressed, catching my reflection in a mirror. Spencer was right, I really was a mess. I belonged in hospital or a morgue. I was lucky to be alive, I only hoped that Spencer was lucky too.

There was hardly anyone at the bar, I looked around letting out a sigh when I saw no sign of Spencer. I would not give up though, I walked over to the bar catching a barman's attention,

"I'm looking for a friend – She's blonde, blue eyes... a really good figure." I blushed at my description.

The barman sighed, rolling his eyes at me, "Lady, you've just described 80% of the girls that come in here."

I sighed, thinking of a better way to describe her when I heard laughing in the background, Spencer.

"Never mind, think I found her."

There was another voice mixed in with her laughter. I was almost too afraid to turn around, too afraid of what I'd see. I closed my eyes, preparing myself. I exhaled as I turned - There she was, coming out of the bathroom, holding hands with some girl. She was drunk and could hardly stand up straight. I watched as they sat at a table in the corner their lips coming together. I could feel the blood draining from my face.

I walked towards them, slowly and carefully. I paused as I reached the table, unsure of what to say.

"Spencer..." She didn't acknowledge me.

I tried again,

"Spence," my voice was gentle. I realized this was the first time I was calling her "Spence"

Spencer and the mystery girl broke apart. I let my eyes wander up and down the girl, taking in her features. We looked the same, I shivered. Their attention was on me now, waiting for me to say something. I looked at Spencer,

"Come back upstairs, Spence."

"Don't call me that, you've got no right to call me that!" She was still angry, alcohol and anger was not a good combination. The girl started to stand up, coming closer to me, invading my personal space. Her finger pointed at me, poking me at times.

"I don't know who you are but it's quite obvious Spencer doesn't want to be disturbed. So why don't you run back upstairs and leave her here with me? It's clearly where she wants to be." By the time she was finished speaking I had already come up with 49 different ways of killing her. I looked over at Spencer, my eyes pleading with hers.

She tried to stand up but quickly fell over, I moved away from the nameless girl to help Spencer, ignoring my own pain.

"What are you doing?" She now had her arm on Spencer, pulling her away from me. I was tired of things turning violent, I would not fight, I couldn't fight.

"I'm taking her back upstairs with me. I think she's had enough fun for one night, don't you?"

"Fine, whatever." She gave up so easily, letting go of Spencer's arm which only caused her to stumble into me.

By the time we made it back to our room it was past 5 am. My body was desperate for sleep, I led Spencer to the bed, not bothering to remove our clothing. I was too tired and it would take up too much of my energy. I moved to my side of the bed, kicking off my shoes before climbing under the covers, my body once again grateful for the cold sheets.

I closed my eyes, falling asleep would be easy. I let my head sink into the pillow, I was so comfortable – so comfortable I almost missed Spencer's words.

"We didn't have sex."

It really was none of my business, I opened my eyes – Spencer was facing me. Her body so close to mine, her fingers tracing circles on the material of my t-shirt.

"Okay," I closed my eyes again.

"Would you be jealous if we did?" I was now aware that the circles were no longer being traced on the thin material but rather, her fingers had found their way onto my abdomen and were stroking my skin, making me feel a new kind of warmth.

I did not answer her, I couldn't find the words to answer. Instead I was focusing on her fingers, I was watching her, watching her as she moved her head closer to mine. We were sharing a pillow now, her breath tickling my face. I could smell the alcohol, a constant reminder that she was still very much drunk. I ignored the warmth moving up and down my body, I ignored the urge to do things I only ever dreamt of doing. Spencer was drunk, I could not let this happen.

"No," one word echoing through the room. Spencer was still so close, her voice husky against my ear.

"No to me wanting to kiss you? Or no, you wouldn't be jealous?" I couldn't think, my senses were so heightened. I was feeling too many emotions, it was all too sudden. I couldn't process what was happening. She was drunk, too drunk.

"I'm straight!" The words were out before I could stop them, all warmth gone in an instant. I could breathe freely now but I didn't want to. Spencer moved back, my body now cold. We were lying so far apart, I kept screwing things up. The room was so silent, my breathing slowly returning to normal.

Spencer started to laugh, I was confused. I wanted to say something but still I could not find the words, there was nothing I could say or do to take those words back.

"I only picked that woman up because she looks a lot like you, I was going to fuck her and pretend it was you, only I stopped myself, I decided to wait rather – to hold out for the real thing." She was laughing even louder now,

"I'm such a fool, falling for a straight girl… not just any straight girl but a girl hired by my mother to kill me." She was falling for me?

I opened my mouth to say something, to offer some form of an explanation but she interrupted me,

"I wish, oh god how I wish you killed me when you had the chance. Actually, thinking about it, I wish you still would - put me out of my misery!" Her cheeks were tear stained, her eyes focused on me the entire time.

"It'll be okay." My words were feeble, I was feeble.

"How will it be okay? Everything is one big disaster Ashley, we have nowhere to go." I couldn't argue, she was right. We were on the run but to where? It was all one big blur.

I wasn't sure if this was the right time to be having this conversation, Spencer was too drunk and I was too emotional.

"We'll figure things out, we just need to stick together." I was painfully aware of the fact that my 48 hours were up, that my life could be over at any moment. Spencer was watching me, our eyes met. I would fight to stay alive, I would fight because I now had a reason to live.

_

I awoke to an empty space beside me, nothing new. My eyes focused on my surroundings - catching Spencer on the floor beside me, looking up at me. I was nervous under her gaze, unsure of what she remembered.

Coffee was being pushed into my hand and I was grateful for it,

"I've been thinking about things." I sat up, taking a sip of the coffee - listening as she spoke.

"We'll go back and confront my mother, surely she'll call off the hit once we've spoken to her? Then the Agency won't have a reason to kill you and you my dear, will be free of me." She added with a wink.

I frowned,

"You're not sick of me yet?"

"No," I could feel my cheeks going red.

"So what do you think, should we go back?"

I took a sip of coffee, choosing my words carefully,

"It's not as easy as that Spence, once you take a contract out on someone's life you can't just cancel it. The contract is only terminated once the target is eliminated."

Spencer stood up, "But my mother took the contract out in error. They must understand that, my mother would never really want me dead." She came to sit beside me,

"How sure are you anyway, maybe you made a mistake - maybe it wasn't her?"

I never make mistakes.

"I'm sure,"

"But it can't be, I've never done anything wrong Ashley. She has no reason to hate me!"

"Maybe she does..." I instantly regretted those words as the hurt registered on her face.

"I'm sorry, it's just there has to be a reason why she wants you dead Spencer. You're her daughter, it's not right. Can't you think of anything?"

She started shaking her head,

"My mother loves me, my entire family loves me. There's been a terrible mistake!"

I nodded, chewing at my bottom lip, I didn't want to hurt Spencer any further.

-

I was in the shower, my mind a million miles away, I had a bad feeling about things, I kept pushing it to the back of my mind but it had to do with Spencer - she was hiding something from me. I could feel it, I just wasn't sure what? The girl was under my skin but a part of me was still guarded. Doubt was starting to set in.

I let my head rest against the cold tiles, the water soothing my skin. Was Spencer really so sweet and innocent or was it all an act? I also needed to speak to Aiden again, where did Spencer recognize him from and could she really not remember? This was one big puzzle I would have to piece together before my borrowed time was up and only one person could help me, Paula.


	7. End Transmission

Spencer was asleep, I could hear her snoring lightly. This would be the perfect opportunity for me to leave without her asking any questions. Moving to the table I found hotel stationery and scribbled a quick note to her -

"_Gone for a bit, stay indoors!"_

It was vague but I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.

Grabbing the backpack I left the room, hoping that Spencer would be okay on her own for a few hours.

It was a short drive to the closest mall, it looked rather busy so blending in would be easy for me. I went to the first cellular store I could find to purchase a new phone and starter pack, making a mental note to get rid of the one I was currently using.

The first person I needed to speak to was Aiden, I moved to a quiet area before dialling his all too familiar number. There was an answer, only it was not the voice I was expecting to hear. My blood ran cold, I wanted to hang up, to pretend this wasn't happening but the voice on the other end stopped me.

"Agent Davies, is that you?" It was the head, this wasn't good at all. His voice sounded like a million nails going down a chalk board. I could feel my spine tingling.

"Yes," I had this fear, panic – Aiden. Was he still alive?

"I knew it wouldn't be long before you contacted us. Is the girl still with you?"

"No, what have you done with Aiden?"

"Don't you worry about him Agent, now tell me… the girl, where is she?"

"I don't know,"

"Don't lie to me Agent, we know she's with you."

"You're going to kill her,"

"No Agent, you've got it all wrong - we're not going to kill her, you are."

"No, no. I'm not."

His voice was so loud now, ringing in my ears.

"You listen to me Agent, I'm only going to say this once. You're going to kill that girl, she's been nothing but trouble and once she is dead you are going to terminate yourself, do you understand me?" He was spitting out his words, I was battling to focus. I was going to kill myself?

"I'm not following you," I would play dumb. I would drag this out.

"Do you think I'm going to waste precious time sending my Agents after you?" His laugh really was evil, "Why would I do that Agent? You're quite capable of doing the job yourself!"

"I can't kill her," I choked out.

"Why not? You've done it before. What's so special about this one?"

I was silent, trying to keep my breathing steady. I could feel my chest closing, I was starting to wheeze.

"What if I don't do it?"

"Well, Agent seeing as though you've grown so attached to this Carlin girl, if you don't do it I'll kill everyone she loves, and Agent I really do mean everyone - even the beloved family pet. Do you want to live with those deaths on your conscious? Isn't it already bubbling over?" I hated that he kept calling me Agent. He was unnerving me, he was enjoying this.

I couldn't believe that I once admired this man, that I once thought of him as a father figure, I needed to put an end to this madness.

"Sir," I hated myself for calling him that.

"Please leave Spencer out of this, I'll do it – I'll kill myself," I looked around taking in my surroundings,

"I'll do it right here, while you're on the phone! Just, please leave her alone."

"That's not how it works, you have caused a great deal of embarrassment to this Agency. What message does this send out to our clients? Our best assassin too emotional to pull a god damn trigger! We've already lost three big accounts thanks to you! You will pay for this Agent."

"I'm sorry, it was never my intention. I've done so much for the Agency, I've given my soul to you. I've met the devil and now, and now you want me dead just like that or no, worse than that you want me to kill someone I care about?"

"You've done nothing for this Agency but blacken our name!"

"That's not true, we both know it. Where's Aiden? What have you done with him?"

He was laughing again, "Aiden is being dealt with, what he has done for you these past few days has not gone unnoticed."

"Are you going to kill him?" My voice was shaky, all I wanted was to break down and cry. Aiden was my hero, I didn't want him to die - I didn't want to be the cause of his death.

"Oh no Agent, your death will be punishment enough for him."

I didn't know if I should be relieved or more worried, what were they doing with him now?

"Do we have a deal Agent?"

What could I possibly say or do? This was turning into the biggest nightmare of my life, things were always bad but now they were just spiralling out of control. All this time of waiting for them to catch up to me and now this. Killing myself... killing Spencer. I started to cough, I was instantly sick. I would kill myself but not Spencer. I couldn't, there was no way.

"I need to think about this."

"There is no time, yes or no!"

I thought back to Spencer's earlier request, her wanting me to kill her. I could think of a gentle way to do it, a way that would not cause her any pain. I shivered, how could I be thinking about this? How could I be plotting her death?

I really had no choice though. I could not be responsible for her family dying. Spencer would sacrifice her life for theirs, she would die willingly to save them. I would explain this to her, I would find a way for us to die together.

"Yes."

"Good," he hung up.

I wanted to throw the phone as far away as possible, I wanted to scream and cry. I could not think clearly, I moved to a nearby bench and sat down.

I had a sudden urge to speak to Spencer, I needed to hear her voice. She would calm me down, she would take my mind off this awful situation.

My fingers fumbled over the keys as I called the hotel number. She wasn't answering, this was making me so paranoid. My entire body was shaking I felt like I was going to collapse, I was about to hang up when she finally answered.

"Hello?"

"God, Spencer, are you okay?"

"I wasn't sure if it was safe to answer, I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize. You're right, I'm glad you are being careful."

"Where are you?"

"Not far, I'll be home later." Home - I missed my apartment, all my plants would be dead - dead, just like me.

"What are you doing?"

"There are some things I need to sort out Spence."

"What type of things?"

"The less you know, the better. I've gotta go though, just wanted to make sure you're okay. I'll be home soon, I promise."

"Ashley?"

"Yes?"

"Will you bring me some food?"

"Yeah."

-

There was very little I knew about Paula Carlin, Spencer only mentioned her briefly during our long drives but here I was parked outside the same hospital I found Spencer in, the same hospital Paula practised as a Doctor. I was tapping my fingers against the steering wheel, the cell phone resting against my lip.

This was harder than expected, I was about to speak to Paula. I was worried about the things I would say, she wanted her daughter dead. I was angry, so angry. I wanted her dead, I wanted to go inside and find her so I could rip her throat off. These thoughts were frightening me, I needed to get this over and done with so I could get back to Spencer.

I dialled the number, getting frustrated when I kept getting put through to different departments.

"Dr Carlin." Finally, it was her.

"A doctor who's supposed to save lives wants her own daughter dead. How ironic."

"Who is this?"

"It's not important. Why do you want her dead?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I love my daughter."

"So she says, now cut the crap and tell me why you want her dead?"

"You have my daughter?"

"Yes."

"Is she still alive?"

I started to laugh. "Like you care."

"I do care! This has all gotten so out of control."

"I need to see you in person."

"That can't happen, not now - I'm about to go into surgery."

"Tomorrow."

"I'm not so sure that I want to meet you. How do I know that you're not going to kill me instead of my darling daughter?" This woman really was a cold hearted bitch.

"Trust me, I would like nothing more than to torture you - body part by body part but that won't get us anywhere. You have answers that I need."

"And if I don't go along with this?"

"Well then Mrs Carlin, I'll have to contact your husband. I'm sure he would love to hear all about his loving wife."

"You wouldn't…"

"Try me. Meet me tomorrow in the hospital parking lot - 10am sharp."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"She's gotten to you, hasn't she?" I became quiet.

"It's true then, she has. Be careful of her."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'll meet you tomorrow, but you're wasting your time with Spencer. She manipulates people into getting whatever she wants. Do yourself a favor, ask her about her previous girlfriend - the one that died." The line went dead.

"Fuck," I cursed, throwing the phone not caring where it landed.

I needed to get back to the hotel. This was getting out of hand, I was on a roller coaster ride and I wanted to get off. I really was losing control. I was so lost, I had no idea what to believe anymore. I hit my head against the steering wheel, blowing the horn in the process. I closed my eyes for a minute, I needed time to think. Time I didn't really have. Today was turning into the worst day yet.

I needed a distraction, getting food for Spencer would do the trick.

I was standing in the middle of a food court. Bright, colorful lights blinding me. Teenagers dressed in uniforms not so eager to serve. I was scanning the area, this was another disaster - there were just too many food choices. I didn't know what to get Spencer. Tacos or Burgers? Pizza again? What the hell was a taco? I spotted a girl about the same age as Spencer. Biting on my lip I tapped her on the shoulder, she turned around.

"What do you want?" She was grumpy - great.

"Um, I need to get food for a friend, could you suggest something?" She gave me the once over, taking in my appearance. I felt self conscious especially with all the bruises. It wall all of 30 seconds before she started laughing - in my face. She ignored my question and walked away muttering "freak" under her breath.

That did it, I was angry. Fuck this shit, if Spencer was hungry she could order from room service. It wasn't my fault that I had more important things to deal with that keeping up with food trends. This was ridiculous. The world was turning into a cruel place. I killed - yes, but I would never treat anyone like the girl just treated me.

I stormed out of the food court, so frustrated. I was ready to die, I was ready to get things over and done with.

-

I was back at the hotel, marching up the stairs - feeling a bit sorry for myself. I was apathetic, I opened the room door, slamming the door behind me.

I wanted to climb into bed, I wanted to sleep away the rest of the day. I didn't even want to speak to Spencer.

She heard me from the bathroom,

"You're back."

I mumbled something and dropped onto the bed not bothering to take my shoes off.

Spencer came out,

"I've missed you, what did you get to eat?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Nothing." I was speaking into the pillow, making no attempt to look at Spencer.

"Why not, I'm so hungry I feel as if I'm going to die!"

I wanted to scream out that she was going to die, that I was going to kill her instead I pointed to the phone and instructed her to order room service.

"Did something happen?"

"I hate fucking shopping centres."

"What happened?"

I turned away from the pillow looking at Spencer now, "I didn't know what to get you so I asked a girl who looked about your age for some advice. She laughed and me and called me a freak!"

"Awe," she moved her hand to rub my back. My heart was on fire.

"You should have called me or picked out anything, I'm really not a fussy eater."

"Sorry I didn't get you anything,"

"Don't be, I'll share your peanut butter and jelly."

"I can go back, I'll go get you something." I moved to get up but Spencer pushed me back down,

"Don't be silly. Mmm, why don't we go out somewhere nice for dinner... just you and I... well not that we have anyone else we could invite." She was rambling, I was finding it cute.

"I don't think that's a good idea, it's not safe." Safe, like anyone would catch us. The big bad wolf was right here, in this room.

"I'll go get us food then,"

"Your in a towel." Spencer was in a towel, I only noticed this now. My mind really was preoccupied.

"I'll change first." She dropped the towel, she was standing in front of me, naked. I blushed, I turned my head around moving my hands to cover my face.

"Your such a prude, Ashley. Have you never seen a naked woman before?" I thought about it, I hadn't really. Only on TV, yes but never in "real life"

"Oh my God, you haven't, have you?" I blushed more.

"Just put clothes on, please."

She started putting on her jeans not bothering with underwear.

"Have you ever seen a guy naked before?"

I didn't like where this was heading.

"No."

She stopped dressing to look at me, "So then, how do you know that you are straight?"

She got me there, oh how she got me.

"I um..." I really didn't have an answer, she started walking towards me. I was getting nervous, it was so easy to get nervous around her. It was different now, she was completely sober and aware of what she was doing. It didn't help much that she was still naked from the waist up.

Our bodies were so close now, almost touching - Hers warm - mine shaking.

"Do I make you nervous?" her eyes never left mine, I wanted to look away but I couldn't.

I swallowed hard, "A little bit..."

She moved closer, avoiding my lips she put her head next to mine, her voice soft as she whispered in my ear,

"Good." My breathing was heavier now. I didn't know how to react to this, I was enjoying the close proximity but not only was Spencer's voice ringing in my ear, so was Paula's warning.

I moved back, away from her.

"Tell me about your girlfriend, the one that died." I looked down as I asked. Another good moment ruined, again my fault.

There was an attempted slap but I managed to catch Spencer's wrist before she reached my face. Her eyes were wide, almost as wide as mine.

"I'm sorry." I really was, this was not the reaction I was expecting.

"Let go of me." I instantly let go of her wrist. She walked away and put a t-shirt on. I stood, watching her. More confusion setting in.

"I'm really sorry."

"I don't feel like going out, not hungry anymore - think I'll rather go to bed now." It was still early, the sun hadn't even set yet.

I felt horrible, I did not mean to upset Spencer, I was just so desperate to make sense of everything, to piece the puzzle together.

I was thinking of something else to say, something to make things less tense when Spencer spoke up,

"Tell me something about yourself and I'll tell you about Melissa."

I picked up the room service menu that was on the side of the bed scanning it quickly.

"I want fries," I was still not too sure about meat.

Without saying a word Spencer began to dial, ordering my fries and a burger for herself. She hung up and got comfortable on the bed,

"So do we have a deal?" Flash backs of my conversation with the head came rushing back.

"What would you like to know about me?"

"Why do you kill people?" I raised my eyebrow, this was going to be one long night...


	8. Corner of your heart

I put a lot of thought into my answer. I was not used to having someone ask about my career choice, it was never something I thought of doing – it all just happened.

I was afraid of being too honest, I was afraid of Spencer's reaction to everything I had to say. Would she stop falling if she found out that at times I really did enjoy doing what I was doing?

We were eating now, I insisted on waiting for our food to arrive so there would be no interruptions. I was simply playing for more time so I could find the perfect wording to say what I wanted to say but Spencer did not need to know this.

Spencer, she was eating and watching me – waiting for me to answer. I could only avoid this conversation for so long.

"I never set out to kill anyone, I didn't wake up one morning and think, 'let me start killing people!' – I was taken in by the Agency… I was very young, they found me on the street, they trained me and shortly after that I started going out on assignments." That was a safe answer, I was not giving too much away.

"How young is young? Where were your parents? Do you have any siblings?"

Of course Spencer would ask as many questions as possible. I tried to think back to my childhood but it was all very hazy. I could not remember much, my past was very faded. The Agency told me that my parents did not care about me, that they abandoned me. I always believed them and now I wondered if it was true? Did they really leave me out on the street or was I taken from them and if I was taken then why didn't my parents fight for me? No matter how I looked at it, I was unwanted.

"Too young and no to your other questions, I have no family."

"That's terrible!"

I didn't want her sympathy, her hand was reaching out to my shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze.

"You have me now," she smiled before removing her hand.

"Sorry, I keep wanting to touch you." She was blushing,

"It's okay."

"Did you have any friends at the Agency? They really must be missing you."

A question I did not need to think about, there used to be someone – someone I avoided thinking about, now there was only Aiden. I smiled thinking about Kyla, my first and only true friend. I felt the need to mention her, I wanted to honor her memory.

"There was someone, a very long time ago. Kyla, the Agency brought us in at the same time. We trained together, we were even roommates. It was really nice having someone with me that could understand what I was going through because she was experiencing the same thing. We were like sisters," I could feel myself trembling, this was turning out to be harder than expected.

"Where is she now?"

I was opening myself up to so much hurt, I found myself wishing that I had kept quiet. This was something I hadn't really dealt with, something I never ever spoke about. A story only ever known to one person, Aiden.

I frantically wiped away at my face, embarrassed for getting so emotional,

"I'm not sure that I am able to speak about this." Spencer was close to me now, I didn't notice that she had removed our plates from the bed, I moved so I could get comfortable, I was in a fetal position - Spencer was next to me, close - we were sharing a pillow only this time she wasn't trying anything, she was simply watching me, reassuring me.

I decided to continue with my story, I needed to get it all out, I needed to share the burden.

"Kyla and I went on most of our missions together, I know it sounds crazy but having her with me made things easier, it made killing easier. I felt so safe knowing she was with me - doing the same thing. One day the head of operations came into our room with some good news, he told us that we were no longer going to be sent out on assignments. I swear it was the happiest I'd ever seen Kyla, she thought they would let us go. I thought so too, we were lucky but not that lucky. The next morning Aiden let us know that we were being enrolled in a local high school." I paused, moving a falling piece of hair away from my face, I stole a glance at Spencer to make sure she was still listening.

Spencer nodded, taking her hand in mine. I didn't move away, I found her gesture so comforting.

"The next morning we were dropped off, it was all so sudden, but we thought nothing of it. We were happy, we were going to be normal teenagers."

I was getting to the hard part, I only hoped that I would not break down. I couldn't stop halfway I needed to get it all out in the open.

"Things were going so well, Kyla and I were having the time of our lives." I started to laugh,

"We even tried out for the cheerleading squad. Anyway, one morning before school Aiden called me aside. He handed me a backpack, we were running late so he told me to open it up during lunch break. I thought nothing of it, I knew Aiden always preferred me over Kyla so figured that was his reason for him giving me the backpack and not Kyla. I did as he asked, I kept it my locker. I really wish I didn't, every single day of my life I wish that I left the backpack behind, that I didn't open it."

"Why, what was in it?" Spencer was so engrossed in this story,

"I can't remember much of it, I can't even remember how I reacted but when lunch time came I rushed to my locker, grabbing the backpack I was anxious to open it. Oh god Spencer, it was so fucking awful. I had to rush to the closest bathroom, I even threw up. It was a bomb. A huge fucking bomb!" I let out a sigh, wishing that I had come up with another story about Kyla, one with a happy ending.

"I didn't have much time to absorb what was happening, there was a phone in the bag. It started ringing, I was so confused, I didn't know what was going on. I answered, it was Aiden. He didn't even bother asking how I was, his only concern was the stupid bomb, he was giving me instructions telling me how to activate it. I wasn't listening, I was in so much shock. I remember him shouting at me, his voice was so cold, so mean. It was the first time that I was truly afraid of him." I was crying now, Spencer was so close now, clutching my hand even tighter, tracing circles over my skin. My skin was burning and my heart bursting. I wanted to cry and kiss Spencer all at once, these thoughts really were frightening me. I had to finish this story, I had to remember that I was "Straight" and that Spencer and I would never be together, we just didn't have the time.

"Everything, it was happening so fast, I activated the bomb - I didn't even realize it, I mean I did - I just wasn't thinking clearly. It all just hit me the moment Aiden told me that I had 10 minutes to evacuate the premises. I didn't care about anyone, none of the teachers or the friends I'd made. The only person I was concerned about was Kyla. I had to find her, I couldn't leave without her. I went from classroom to classroom wishing that I'd paid more attention to her schedule. I eventually found her in the art room, drawing. She loved drawing, she was so damn talented - I was always so jealous of her. She could tell immediately that something was wrong, I kept telling her that we had to leave, I was practically dragging her out of the art room. I kept checking my watch, time was going by so fast. The phone rang, I didn't want to answer but I thought it might be Aiden - that he was calling to tell me it was all a mistake, only that wasn't the reason for his call, he wanted to speak to Kyla. I was puzzled, but didn't argue. Like a fool I handed her the phone, their conversation hardly lasted. I kept trying to pull her to the school gates but she paused to tell me that she couldn't go with me, that Aiden told her to stay behind. It was the worst feeling in the world, we had so little time left. She told me that she had to go to reception, that Aiden needed her to fetch something for her." I was rambling but I was no longer in control of my words, it all came rushing out.

"I was so shocked, it finally hit me. The Agency wanted Kyla dead, I just couldn't understand why they didn't just kill her, was it necessary to plant a bomb? To make me plant a bomb? I vowed not to leave without her, I was frantic, I really was. I kept screaming at Kyla, pleading with her to come with me. I made a fatal error though, I was just so anxious for her to leave with me that I shouted out that there was a bomb. Her eyes went so wide, only there were students around us - panicked students. It turned into a big rush, kids screaming - everyone was running towards the exit. I guess my voice was really convincing, the pained expression on my face was very believable. Kyla was coming with me, I had her by the arm, I was dragging her. We were so close to the exit but by then there were just so many other people, I could feel my grip on her arm going weaker, it was as if we were getting ambushed. One second I had her and the next she was gone. I was being pushed further and further away from her. The explosion was so loud..."

Spencer interrupted me, maybe even saved me from getting to the worst part,

"Is that how you got all your scars?" I could feel her breath on my neck. I closed my eyes.

"The Agency punished me for trying to save Kyla. I woke up in hospital once and the next time I woke up I was in a dark room. During that period I only saw one person, Aiden. He would come with a plate of food, watch me eat then beat me." It felt as if I was reliving the moment, there was so much pain, too much.

I started to point to various parts of my body - "Most of these cuts and burns, they're all from him. We spent a week in isolation, he would beat me half to death, start to cry then stop and leave." Spencer sat up,

"I'm going to kill him, how could he do that to you? How could you consider him a friend Ashley?" I pulled her down, I still needed her close to me.

"It wasn't his fault, not really. He had no choice but to follow orders. I guess we really needed each other during that time. I had all this guilt over what had happened to Kyla and I guess he just felt guilty for what he made me do."

I needed Spencer to understand, I explained further.

"I needed to feel pain, I didn't want to feel alive, I so badly wanted to be dead and he had so much anger in him, we spoke a lot during that time but afterwards, once I was out he stopped talking to me, we never ever spoke about what happened. One day he came up to me to apologize, he said it always made him feel worse when he saw my scars - they were a constant reminder. I told him I didn't care, that I really did deserve each and every single one of them. It only got worse as time went by, my desire to die just grew. I was so lost without Kyla. I was lonely, I was numb. The only thought that ever entered my mind was that my best friend was gone - that I killed her. Whats worse is one morning a newspaper was shoved under my bedroom door. It had so many stories about the bombing, there were pictures of families that I destroyed. So many people died, I realized that I killed more people that just my best friend. After that, I stopped feeling all together, I became a robot. I killed whoever I was told to kill, I never asked questions. I always did as I was told, you would think that after what happened, I would want to give it all up but instead I wanted to kill. I had a desire to kill as many people as possible." I lowered my head, ashamed,

"I enjoyed killing, it became a game to me." My head was now resting on Spencer's chest, I didn't know when I moved into this position but she was my only comfort in all of this madness. There was nothing left to say, my story was finished.

"My mother treated some of those students, I was too young to fully understand but I do remember wondering about the person who set that bomb off."

This had to be bad, Spencer was bound to be disgusted in me. She would move away from me at any second and tell me that she didn't want to see me anymore, that she was better off without me. Instead she surprised me,

"I always felt sorry for that person," it was a whisper.

I moved my head to look at her, startled that anyone would feel sorry for a "bomber."

"I was worried about what would happen to you, well I obviously didn't know it was you, but I came to the conclusion that you must've had a really awful life to do something like that. I spent many nights awake, locked up in my room, reading all about the killings. I had so many newspaper clippings. The internet became my friend, I may have become a little obsessed." She smiled at me.

Once again I found myself not knowing what to say, I was thrown off guard. I found myself wondering about the type of person tha would sympathise with the killer instead of the victims. I secretly scolded myself for thinking that, I secretly praised her for thinking about me so many years ago when we were so many miles apart.

"You know whats crazy?" She was obviously not finished, I shook my head.

"After everything you've told me tonight, I so badly want to fuck you... no, no wait. I want to make love to you, I want to be the one to take your pain away. I want to make you feel," She paused ever so briefly, "loved."

I was tired of holding back, I wanted to let go and feel, I wanted this to happen, I needed to feel alive. I didn't need to think about it for too long, my lips were on hers in an instant.

There were sparks flying, with one kiss Spencer had awoken a part of me that I never knew existed. There was no way that I was going to pull away, I wanted this so badly.

Spencer's hands made their way under my t-shirt lifting it up, I moved to help her. I glanced down at my body, suddenly so aware of all the bruises and scars. My insecurities came flooding into the room, I wanted to turn the lamp off. Spencer had seen all my scars before but this time it was different, this time I felt more naked.

"Don't."

My hand paused mid air, Spencer took it, kissing my fingers, kissing her way up my arm.

"I keep telling you that you're beautiful, I wish you'd believe it." I so badly wanted to. I hated that she was seeing me this way, I wanted to be perfect - perfect for her.

"I want to see you Ashley," She started to unfasten my pants, "I want to see all of you." her lips were on mine once again. This felt so good, I felt as if I was floating.

I was overcome with so much emotion, I was always so ashamed of my scars, I was ugly and here was someone so perfect calling me beautiful. I was battling to believe it, I had tears falling. Such a bad time but Spencer was with me, her thumbs on my face wiping away at my tears. She moved her head, her lips lighting kissing away my tears.

I couldn't get enough of her kisses, every part of my body was aching for contact. I needed to feel her so badly, it all felt so right - I was no longer shy, I no longer cared that this wasn't supposed to be happening. I was the one attacking her lips now, my hands wandering over her body. I wanted to remove her clothing, I was nervous though, my fingers fumbling over the material of her top.

I wanted to touch her so badly, I wanted to explore every part of her body but I wasn't sure where to begin, this was my first time - this was all so very new to me. As if sensing this Spencer took my hand in hers and started moving our hands to her breasts.

Her skin was silky smooth, I cupped her one breast mesmerised by her nipple going hard,

"That feels so good." Spencer moved to kiss my neck, she started to suck. The tingling felt so good.

Spencer moved to straddle me, her fingers trailing over my skin - she paused when she reached my ugliest scar. It was long, over most of my chest. She lightly moved her finger over it, tracing over it. I shivered and hissed,

"Don't."

"Let go Ashley, let go of all your fears." She bent down and started planting little butterfly kisses over the scar.

I was going to cry again, little tears were starting to run down my cheeks.

"Sshhh, I hate to see you cry." She was kissing me again, her arms wrapped around me, she was holding me so tight, I felt so safe, so wanted and loved. These emotions were taking control over me, I was so afraid that I would do something wrong and this moment would be ruined.

Her hands were back my body, roaming over my skin, she moved her hand to my thigh, I was so warm - I was so anxious, I needed to feel her so bad.

My eyes were closed, I moved my hand to take hers once again, I suddenly found myself in control, I was moving her hand towards my entrance.

"You're so wet." I really was.

She entered me, it was sudden but so damn good. I let my head fall back, I was going to savour every single moment. She had two fingers in me, pushing deeper and deeper. My body took control, it was as if I suddenly knew what to do. I was moving my hips against her hand, I needed to kiss her again, our lips came together, I was sucking on her bottom lip - I didn't want to let go.

She started to move her fingers round and round in a circular motion, I wanted to scream out. I wanted to explode, I wanted to touch her too. My one hand held onto hers, our fingers fitting perfectly together while my other hand fumbled to move under her pants. I struggled to remove them, she still had far too much clothing on but I was selfish - I didn't want her to remove her hand, she felt too good deep within me.

I slipped one finger, then two into her, happy that she was wet too - that I made her wet.

"Fuck, you feel so good Ashley. I've wanted this for the longest time." She started to kiss over my skin, her mouth finding my breasts.

This was as close to heaven as I would ever get, I could feel myself losing control with every stroke, she was so deep, I could feel the sweat run down my forehead, we had a steady pace going, I wanted this to last for as long as possible,

"Don't stop, please don't stop." I wouldn't dare, I kept going, moving my fingers against her clit. I only hoped that I was doing this right, I wouldn't let myself think about other lovers that Spencer had before me.

I needed this so badly, we both did. With every moan from Spencer I could feel myself getting closer and closer to an orgasm.

I was moaning now too, riding Spencer's fingers, I was about to come, Spencer started to curl her fingers. I really was loosing control, I wanted to orgasm with her, I wanted her to come with me, I inserted another finger, my hand was so wet I was getting so much pleasure from the look on her face, from the sounds she was making.

It was only a few more thrusts before we were both coming, it was so much better than I hoped for. I was exhausted, we both were. Spencer fell down beside me, my head immediately moving to rest on her chest.

"That was amazing." I was gushing.

"You're amazing Ashley, that was the best moment of my life."

"It was so intense." The room fell silent, the only sound that could be heard was the sound of our hearts, our hearts beating as one.

In this moment I was happy, I was so alive. In this moment I didn't have a care in the world, there were no thoughts of the Agency or dying, or even thoughts of Melissa. In this moment I was happy and so in love.


	9. The bleeding heart show

**This was originally posted over two chapters but am posting it as one, it reads better this way. It's a very long chapter, hopefully not too long.**

**WillowOn3 – Get your tissues ready :)**

**Afternoon**

_**4PM**_

There was always a routine I would follow before going on a mission. I was a person of habit, I would find a quiet corner in my apartment - always the same one and meditate for an hour. I would envision the kill, my weapons would be neatly packed out in front of me, once I was done painting a mental picture of the death scene would I select my weapon. Only then would I be ready to go in for the kill.

Today was different, there was no routine - no time to plot and plan. Instead, I found myself in an empty field, miles and miles away from any sign of civilization. I was far from calm, I was far from fine. I was spitting out blood, clutching at my stomach. Today - I was dying. A single shot was fired, a shot that hit me in the stomach, a shot that should've entered my heart because it felt as if my heart was exploding into a million little pieces. I was alive, barely but my heart was dead, the wild girl in front of me killed it.

I was battling to focus on anything, my vision was a blur, everything was red - bloody. I didn't bother trying to stand up - my fighting spirit was gone.

I couldn't believe that this was happening - that this was real. I needed proof, the bloody pattern- my bloody pattern in the sand not evidence enough for me. I needed to watch the wild girl in front of me. The girl I had fallen for, I needed to witness her actions.

I was laughing, bitterly, wasting the little life left in me on on laughter. I was a fool, such a fucking fool for Spencer. How easily our roles had reversed, how easily she managed to turn me into a weak and emotional fool.

I was gasping for air, fighting with my last few breaths as she stood directly in front of me, gun pointed at my heart. The perfect spot. She was going to fire again, I recognized the look on her face, it was the same look I had before killing someone.

This was me done, finished. She could kill me, I didn't care. I didn't want to live, I wanted to die. I was broken hearted and that hurt more than the bullet within my stomach. I didn't bother with words, I would not plead for my life instead I would give up because really, that was the easiest thing for me to do.

My last living moments would be spent in denial, it was all so very real but I just couldn't bring myself to believe that the girl in front of me, that Spencer was a cold blooded killer just like me. I couldn't believe how easily I had gone from being the killer to being the victim. A stupid fucking victim of love.

**Morning**

_**11 AM**_

"Thats why I did it." I nodded, my lip between my teeth. I was leaning heavily against the wall behind me, I needed the support. I needed a moment.

I found myself wishing that Paula hadn't shown up, that I hadn't just heard everything she told me.

"I guess so." I had no other words, my world had just come crashing down. I wanted to run from this moment, I wanted to run from Paula. I needed to feel my lungs fighting for air, I wanted to cry but I would not show emotion in front of this woman.

I moved away from the wall, I couldn't be here, I needed to leave.

"I better go." I wanted to walk away, but Paula caught me by the arm.

"Are you okay?" Did it matter? Did she even care?

I shrugged, "I'm fine, I'll see you around."

I never ever wanted to lay eyes on her ever again, I wanted to pretend that she no longer existed in my world. I wanted her to vanish, I wanted to kill her.

"I'm not the enemy here Ashley, Spencer is. You must remember everything I told you." I wanted to block my ears, I wanted her to shut up.

"Yeah, thanks."

When I got back to the hotel Spencer was still asleep, I sat on a chair studying her. She looked so innocent, so young. She was still naked under the covers, my mind raced back to the night before, such intimacy, did she really feel any of it? Was I just a con?

I couldn't look at her, not without wanting to shake her awake - not without wanting to scream at her. I couldn't deal with this, I escaped to the bathroom.

I needed to feel something, anything. Pain was the only constant in my life, the only thing that was real to me. I started to remove my clothing then climbed into the shower, turning on the hot water tap.

The water went hot immediately, I didn't bother with the cold water. My skin was turning red, I was burning but still I couldn't feel anything. My body was experiencing the pain, but my mind just wasn't reacting.

"Ash, shit, you're burning." Spencer's naked body was behind me, the hot water turned cold.

Spencer's hands were on my body, her lips on my neck. I was instantly cold. She cupped a breast, my nipple went hard. My body wanted this, craved a repeat performance but my mind betrayed me. Paula's words still ringing loud in my mind.

I pulled away, I climbed out the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, more for protection than for warmth.

My head was betraying my heart, I couldn't help it.

"Finish showering, I'm tired of this hotel."

Spencer was out the shower, naked in front of me. I couldn't look, I couldn't see her in the same light as the previous night.

"Do you regret last night?" Regret, so much regret consumed me. Too much.

"I woke up this morning and you were gone." Her voice was strained, worried. I was getting so many mixed signals, I just didn't know anymore. Spencer sounded hurt, if only I knew how she felt about me, if only I knew how I felt about her?

Last night I was in love but now confusion and doubt consumed me. Paula really did ruin everything.

I took too long to answer, Spencer pushed past me.

"Don't bother answering Ash, I get it - I was a straight girl experiment. You're right, this hotel is getting very tiring, everything is."

How did we end up like this? How did we go from pure ecstasy to so much tension. So much had changed within me, how did I go from a person that felt nothing to someone that felt too much? A few weeks ago I didn't have a care in the world and now I was guilty of caring far too much. This was one big mind fuck, I was messed up in the worst possible way, this past hour made the idea of dying sound rather elegant.

I walked into the room, going back to sit on the chair. Spencer was watching me, studying me.

"Why aren't you saying anything, was last night so bad?" She was fully dressed, she would be ready to leave any minute now and I was still in a towel, unable to move.

Spencer came to stand in front of me, I couldn't look up at her. I couldn't do anything, my heart was sinking, my stomach sore. I wasn't feeling well.

"Where have you been?" Spencer was speaking but I wasn't listening. I was taking in her words I just couldn't process them.

It was difficult to breathe, I needed air.

"Out, I needed fresh air. I left the room earlier to go outside." I was lying with a straight face. I was lying to Spencer, not feeling any guilt at all. What was happening to me?

"You were gone for so long."

"I'm sorry." I was on auto pilot.

"I don't believe you, I don't know what's gotten into you Ash. Last night was so perfect and now you're a completely different person." I was, but so was she. She was a different person all along, I just didn't see it.

I needed the old Ashley back, I needed to take control of this situation. I couldn't fall apart, not now.

"Last night, you were going to tell me about Melissa. Tell me now."

I needed her to be honest with me, I was so desperate for the truth. Paula's words were stuck on repeat, going over and over again in my mind - words of murder.

**"She killed her." **Three words I never expected to hear, they were the wrong words. I longed for three different words.

"You want to hear about Melissa now?" Spencer's one eyebrow was raised,

"Why?"

How could I answer? I had no right sounding words, I could say anything though - anything would sound better than: "Hey Spence I saw your mother this morning, she says you killed your girlfriend, is this true? Did you?"

No, that just wouldn't do.

"You said I remind you of someone, you meant her didn't you? I want to know what it is about me that reminds you of her."

It was only half a lie, I really was curious.

I could tell that Spencer as irritated,

"Look, she's someone I cared a great deal about - I loved her, but it hurts talking about her so can we please just drop the subject?"

"Okay." I gave up too easily.

I got up to get dressed,

"We better leave."

Spencer smiled, I cringed.

"I'll meet you at the car."

The car drive was silent, awkward. I couldn't fight these blues. I was just so morbid, my only comfort was the Tegan and Sara album playing, the album I found by chance under the car seat. There was just so much that I longed to say but knew I couldn't. I didn't want to upset Spencer, I didn't want to face reality, not yet.

I found myself thinking about Aiden. I missed him, he would have all the answers. I needed to find out if he was still alive, I needed to speak to him.

I was relieved to see a gast station up ahead, I decided to pull over. The stop would do us good, it would break this terrible tension.

"Why are we stopping?"

"I'm thirsty." I needed to watch myself, I was being abrupt, making things worse. I needed to calm down, cheer up. Easier said than done though.

"Fine, I'll go in." Spencer couldn't escape the car fast enough. I watched her enter the shop before climbing out.

I inhaled the fresh air, welcoming the cold air. I took the phone out of my pocket and started to dial the Agencies number.

"Agent 22468, dispatch me to Agent 33870." Two rings and I was through.

"Oh my god, Ashley!"

"Madison."

"What the hell is going on with you? The Agency is buzzing with talk of you, where are you?"

"Did they kill Aiden?" There was no time to explain, Aiden was my main concern.

"No, but they beat him real bad, he has cuts all over his face. He is in the hospital now but when he comes back they're putting him back on level one access."

I would not allow myself to think of his beautiful face scarred for life.

"I need your help." There was silence before Madison muttered a few words I couldn't understand.

"You're crazy Agent, I'm not as important as Aiden, they'll kill me."

"I saved your life twice Madison, you owe me." I didn't want to play the guilt card but I was desperate.

"I can't believe you Agent, what do you want?"

"I need you to get a copy of the contract on Spencer Carlin."

"You're not messing around are you? They don't just keep those files lying around, you know that."

"I do, but you're on level six, you have access to those files. You can get me all the information I need and nobody will think any better of it."

"Why do you want it Ash, why are you putting everyone's lives at risk for this girl?"

"I don't know, just get it. I'll call you back tomorrow."

"Wait, you've gotta give me something. I'm risking so much for you."

"Look, I met with her mother earlier, I need to get a few things she said verified, if you don't want to get the contract - fine, but please find out any information you can on her girlfriend Melissa, I am unsure of her surname. She passed away"

"You're jealous of a girlfriend?"

"No, just do it." I hung up.

I was about to turn to go back to the car when the phone rang again, Aiden?

"Hello?"

"Agent, you're still alive." I didn't have time for this.

"I'm going to do it, I'm going to kill her but I need more time." I hung up as I turned around only to come face to face with Spencer. I dropped the phone,

"How long have you been standing here for?"

"Long enough to know that we need to talk." Came a very harsh reply.

Spencer took the keys from my hand, she was in the driving seat now. I had no idea where we were going, the car drive was deadly silent, the only sound that could be heard was my heart racing.

"Where are we going?" I couldn't stand this silence, I couldn't take not knowing what Spencer was thinking.

"I'm taking you to the place I used to go to when I needed to think, when I needed time alone. We'll be there in an hour or so."

This was going to be a long drive.

"Look I don't know how much of that conversation you heard -"

I was interrupted,

"I didn't hear anything, I just want to take you someplace special." She turned to smile at me, a smile so unlike her others. This was was forced, fake. I coughed, suddenly very uncomfortable.

Fear was something I did not feel, I often found myself in dangerous situations, but I always got out of them - without fear, but now, in this car there was a part of me that was afraid, afraid of the unknown.

Spencer was different, or maybe I was, maybe I was just being paranoid. I kept thinking about the big picture, trying to puzzle everything together with a few pieces missing. My meeting with Paula was playing so clear in my mind, maybe I had a reason to be paranoid. Maybe there were just too many maybe's floating around.

_**Flashback**_

"_She killed my daughter__, she didn't even care." Paula crying hysterically._

_I didn't know what to say, I had no words._

_"I just don't get it." I really didn't._

_"Spencer killed my daughter, How can you blame me for doing what I did? An eye for an eye Ashley. Surely a girl like yourself can understand that?"_

_I really was trying to understand, it all just seemed too unreal._

_Melissa was Paula's daughter, not Spencer._

_A bombshell just exploded in my head._

_**End of Flashback**_

The car came to a halt, the drive felt shorter, I looked at my watch - we had been driving for an hour. I wanted to climb out, I needed to stretch my legs. That urge to run was back only I had no idea where we were, I wouldn't even know in which direction to start running.

I was never one for confrontations, professionally yes - but never personally. I had a terrible feeling that everything was about to change between Spencer and I.

I had my hand on the door handle, I was ready to climb out but Spencer stopped me.

"No wait, sit here with me, it's been a long drive, don't get out." The long drive was the reason for me wanting to get out.

I pulled my hand back and sat still, waiting for something to happen, for what, I just didn't know.

Spencer was quiet, too quiet. This wasn't like her.

"What's going on Spencer?"

"Nothing, I just... I just don't know anymore." Neither did I.

"Look, I don't know what you heard back there but you're starting to scare me, you're different."

"Different like you were this morning?"

I bit my lip, I looked away.

I needed to pull myself together, I glanced out the window - we were in an empty field. I thought about it, this really was the perfect place to end it all. We could go out with a final bang but first, I needed some answers.

"I'm sorry about this morning Spence, I'm just not good with all this emotional stuff." This was turning into a game of cat and mouse - only I didn't know who was the cat?

"You saw my mother." It wasn't a question, but rather an acknowledgement that she did in fact hear my earlier conversation.

"I should have told you, I'm sorry." So many apologies.

""You're right Ash and I wish you did because this changes so much."

"It doesn't have to." What was I saying? Of course this changed everything.

"What did she tell you?" She was facing me, her hands on my knees, her fingers digging into me. I wasn't sure if this was done intentionally or simply because she was afraid of what I knew.

I couldn't stand a minute longer in this car, I was getting hot. I was starting to feel caved in.

"It's getting hot in here, I'll tell you, lets just take a walk or something"

This field went on for miles, there were wild daises all around us, this place was beautiful - quiet. I could understand why Spencer enjoyed coming here.

We were seated on the grass, face to face.

"Want to play a round of 20 questions?" This was an odd request to make at a time like this.

"Why?"

"Because you want to know about Melissa and I have things I want to ask you, this is the only way, so ask your first question." I didn't like this Spencer, I wanted yesterdays Spencer, I wanted yesterdays Ashley.

I was going to dive into this head first, I would get my power back - I was going to be in control of this little game.

"Did last night mean anything to you, or did you seduce me so I wouldn't ask about Melissa?" I blinked, my eyes staying closed for longer than necessary. I was ready for the blow that she was about to deliver.

"Last night meant everything to me." My eyes flew open, she was lying. She had to be.

"You're lying." Only on Question one and already, I was challenging her.

"You've got such low self esteem Ashley. I meant every single touch, every single word - all of it, everything came straight from my heart, just a pity you fucked it all up. Things could've been different."

I fucked things up, I avoided that part of her answer though,

"Different how?"

"Your turn is over, my turn."

Spencer looked up at the sky before her eyes found my own,

"Why were you hired to kill me?"

"I don't know."

"Liar, you may not lie during this game."

"I'm not."

"So what, you and my mother sat in silence during this meeting, neither one of you saying a word?" Her words were so harsh, so loud. She was so angry.

"I don't want to play this game anymore." I didn't want to play any game with her.

"Well I do, now tell me." She was shouting even louder, I was fed up.

"I'm not ready." I really wasn't.

"You're a fucking actress Ashley, pretending to not know anything. It's all bullshit, you and I both know that you feel everything, you pretend to be cold hearted, well you're not. I see through you, I see through your act. You're pathetic."

"It was never an act."

"Why should I believe you, if you have so many doubts in me?"

There was so little trust between us.

"You manipulate people Ashley, I know you do."

"I can't help it."

"You're so unaware."

"I can't help it."

"Tell me what my mother told you!"

I was the lamb about to be slaughtered by the lion.

"Fine, shit," The little bit of control I had, vanished.

"She told me that you're not her real daughter." I was about to blurt out the rest but Spencer was laughing now.

"I'm not her daughter? Look at me Ashley, I'm a splitting imagine of the woman."

I didn't know what to say, Spencer was breaking me down.

"You hide behind your gun Ashley, I wish you would see how beautiful you are, I wish you could see yourself as I see you." Or maybe she wasn't?

This was a turn in direction, this was a roller coaster ride that I wanted - needed off of. Spencer was building me up only to knock me down. It was confusing me.

"I'm so confused." I looked down, wiping a tear from my face.

"Me too Ashley, me too." Her voice was bitter now.

I needed to be honest with her, I needed to sift through this mess and somehow make things right.

"You intrigue me Spencer, you always have." I was about to confess my true feelings, hoping that she would do the same.

"I followed you around, I researched you before that day in the hospital. I saw you interact with your family, with your friends. There was something about you, I felt so drawn to you. You were surrounded by people but somehow you always seemed so alone, empty. I guess I could identify with that. Right now, I know things are messed up, that I've made a mess of things and I cannot apologize enough but this morning with your mother, it was all very overwhelming for me. There was just too much to absorb, I feel lost, Spencer, I really do." I was looking at her now, we were both shedding tears, we were a terrible combination, one of us always ended up in tears.

"When she told me you killed Meli," I didn't finish, oh god I didn't finish because Spencer was up in a flash, a gun pointed at me, pointed at my heart. My gun, a gun I didn't know she'd taken from me. I slipped up, I fucked up. I would pay dearly.

"I killed her? I fucking killed her, what...what?" her eyes went wide.

"I've never killed anyone."

My eyes went wider, I was wrong oh so very wrong.

"How could you think that I would kill someone I loved? Stand up Ashley."

"Why?"

"Don't! Stand up, do as I say. Get up."

I obeyed.

She moved towards me, she was close, so close. Close enough for me to disarm her, yet I didn't. I stood still, still taking everything in.

"This game is about to get interesting."

I was done with 21 questions.

"Ask me another question."

"I don't want to."

"I have a gun,"

"I can take it off you."

"You can't kill me, remember, Agent?"

"Why does Paula think you're not her daughter?"

"Because she's fucking psycho, that's why!"

"I don't understand."

The barrel of the gun was shoved into my chest, it was going to leave a mark. Another bruise to add to the list.

I was battling to believe that this really was happening, that this was not some nightmare. My head was throbbing, things were supposed to to be going in slow motion but I was battling to keep up, I no longer recognised the girl in front of me, this wasn't Spencer.

"What's going on here Spence, why do you want to shoot me?"

"I'm hurt, can't you see?"

"I'm hurt too."

"You have no reason to be."

"I do, the girl that I love wants to shoot me." It was now out in the open, I was playing open cards with her.

I didn't know what I was expecting, in a dreamworld Spencer would lower the gun, she would put it away and we would sort everything out but this was no dreamworld - Spencer was unscathed, her expression remained unchanged, she didn't bat an eyelid. My confession meant nothing to her.

I bowed my head, I was defeated.

"You really want to know why Paula doesn't think I'm her daughter? Why she thinks I killed Mel?"

"Yes." I was whispering, I was afraid of saying something wrong and setting Spencer off. She was a time bomb waiting to explode.

"My mother loved Melissa, from the start they hit it off. Their mannerisms were so similar, eventually they were even completing each others sentences. Obviously I was jealous, all my life my mother would tell me that I was not like everyone else in our family, that I was different. Even Clay, my adopted brother fit in better than what I did."

Spencer was forcing her words out, this was obviously harder for her to talk about than what I thought.

I so badly wanted to comfort her, despite everything, despite my defeat - she still had my heart.

I didn't want to make any sudden movements, I took a small step forward, she let me. I had my hand on her shoulder, the other about to touch the cold metal but she jerked away,

"Don't."

"Spencer, stop this."

"I'm not finished with my story."

"It doesn't matter, lets just go back to the hotel and forget this ever happened."

"I can't, I don't want to. Let me finish."

I took a step backwards, she lifted her arm, the gun once again aimed at me.

"Go on, finish."

"We fought a lot, Melissa and I. All couples fight, it was normal. One night I was staying over at her place and we got into a really bad argument, I can't even remember why, I just know that I was so angry, I wanted to be alone - I wanted to go home and sulk so I left her. I went home, I knew that if my mother saw me she would ask too many questions, she would pick Melissa's side over mine, she always did. My parents were fighting, their voices were so loud, there was even broken wine glasses on the floor. They were too distracted to notice me come in. They fought a lot, they were going through a bad patch in their marriage so I didn't give it much thought, not until I heard what my mother was saying. It was so, so bad! They were arguing over me. My mother kept saying that Melissa as her daughter, that she felt no motherly bond between us. Melissa and I share the same birthday, clearly Paula read too much into this. She was convinced there was some baby swap at the hospital. I didn't even know if we were born at the same hospital. I wanted to rush out of my bedroom and confront her - only I wasn't brave enough. "

The gun was back against my chest, I didn't think Spencer realized this, she was just too busy reliving the memory.

"Maybe my mother was drunk, maybe she was on some drug, I hear the drug of choice for Doctors is cocaine. It's the only explanation I could come up with because that night she lost the plot. She was telling my father about a Doctor she found on the Internet that could do paternity tests with just a strand of hair. She was going to come into my room, steal one of my hair brushes. I didn't want to hear further so I put my ipod on and forced myself to sleep. The next morning I cleared out all my brushes, only leaving one behind for her to find - Melissa's."

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't know, I ask myself that question all the time, I didn't want to be Paula's daughter anymore, I didn't want a mother like her, a mother that hated me. It just hurt too much, I can handle rejection, but not from a parent. All these years I have waited for my mother to accept me and that night just served as proof that she never would, I stopped loving her that night. I stopped feeling anything towards her other than pity."

"Why would she think that you killed Melissa though?"

"I don't know, I really don't. She died in a car accident, the brakes failed. Her car was old, she was always having problems with the brakes. She kept promising that she'd have them fixed. My mother had the paternity test done, found out Melissa was supposedly her daughter and a day later Mel passed away. I guess it was easy to blame me."

I was emotionally drained, I could tell Spencer was too. I didn't know how this was going to end, I didn't know what to say to make things better. This story had so many twists and turns I was battling to keep up.

Spencer was no longer wild in front of me, instead she was merely broken.

"Tell me about the other phone call." Her voice was so cracked.

I had no energy left, this was enough for one day.

"I'm really tired Spencer, I'm drained. Lets just go home."

"We don't have a home."

"You're my home."

"Who was it?"

I could hear the hammer click. I didn't move, I was frozen on the spot. Another slip of my emotion that she chose to ignore.

"The Agency, they want us both dead - they wanted me to kill you then kill myself." I was instantly relieved, the truth was now out there. What harm could it really do?

"You mean all this time we've spent on the run was for nothing?" Spencer was frowning, she looked so angry, more so than before. I just kept saying the wrong thing.

"You kept me away from my father, my brothers! Was this some sick joke to you?"

"No god, no. It was never like that!"

"Fuck you Ashley!" The gun went off, I fell down.

**PRESENT MOMENT**

I was a victim of love yes, but I was mostly a victim of my own stupidity, for believing that someone like me could ever be happy, that I would ever experience true love. Nobody ever loved me, not my parents nor the Agency, not even Spencer. My last living moments would not be spent in denial, but rather in bitterness and anger.

I was screaming now, I was in so much pain. There was so much blood - too much blood, my lips were chattering, I was icy cold, swimming in a pool of my own blood. My eyes were closing, I could no longer focus on Spencer. My weak body betrayed me.

I finally knew how it felt to be one of my victims, there was no life flashing before my eyes, there were no angels or demons - there was no sense of peace, there was only suffering.

The second shot was finally fired, everything went blank.


	10. Vindicated

**Thank you for the reviews and private messages. So happy you're enjoying this story. This is the final pre written chapter, you've now caught up. Next chapter will be brand spanking new...**

**Four Months later.**

I was never one for clubbing, I simply never went. The thought of loud music, music without lyrics – put me off. I couldn't imagine spending an evening dancing, having to shout out a conversation or even surrounded by people. I didn't like people, I didn't like having my oxygen polluted by smoke or the smell of alcohol.

A lot can change, people change - I changed. I downed another shot of tequila, ignoring the salt and lemon. I surveyed the bar area, spotting her – She was here, of course she was. It was Wednesday night, this was her club of choice on a Wednesday evening.

She was beautiful, magnetic. She always attracted a crowd of admirers, tonight it would be my turn. Our eyes met, they always did. I smiled in acknowledgement, she raised her glass at me. We did this each Wednesday, only tonight would be different. Before she looked away I gestured towards the dance floor and raised an eyebrow. Tonight I wanted to dance.

Her grin grew wider, her blue eyes sparkled. She lifted her drink off the bar, excused herself from her friends and came over.

"You like your tequila." She took note of my drink of choice, I smiled.

"Join me for one?" She nodded and finished the remainder of the drink she had with her. I signalled for the barman and ordered four tequila's.

"You're brave." Her words were so true, I survived death - tequila was nothing. I pushed two glasses towards her. She followed my lead, ignoring the salt and lemon just as I did. The burning sensation going down my throat felt good, too good.

The music got louder, faster. I glanced up at the DJ, he was playing one of my favorite songs, a sure sign that it was time to play.

I took her hand in mine, leading her onto the dance floor. Our bodies came together, moving in sync with the music. She smelt good, so good, so familiar. I closed my eyes, this wasn't the time for that – those thoughts, those memories they needed to stay at bay, even if it was just for the night.

Her lips were on my neck, her hands on my butt pulling me against her, my leg slipped between hers. I didn't care that we were in full view of everyone around us and by the looks of things neither did she. My lips found hers, those thoughts were coming back - thoughts of another time with a different girl, a girl I tried so hard to forget.

I could never forget her though, it was impossible to forget when everything around me reminded me of her. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, I'd always find little things to remind me of her. She was the ghost that constantly haunted me. I needed to let go, I really did because she didn't deserve any of my thoughts, she hurt me and now I wanted to hurt her.

This was the only way I knew how, I deepened the kiss, my hands moving under the material of her top, for a few seconds I pretended She was Spencer, it almost worked. Almost.

"Let's get out of here," my pants were undone, her hand so close, she was fast. I had her hand in mine, I was faster. I didn't want to be touched, not like that.

"Not yet." It was too soon, the song wasn't over yet. I glanced back up at the DJ, he was watching us, blushing - obviously surprised by the show we were putting on.

"I've wanted to fuck you since the moment I first saw you." Such flattery, the old me would've blushed, the new me simply smirked while moving in for another kiss.

The music was pumping, the dance floor was full. My body temperature was rising, I couldn't tell if it was from her or being surrounded by so many people or from what was still to come.

The song ended, it would all be over soon.

A new song started, it would play for exactly 4:30 seconds. I knew this for a fact, I kept my lips on hers, sucking on her, tasting her. I so badly wanted to live in the moment, I longed to feel something. I never did.

I lifted her one leg up, pulling her closer to me, my knee was exactly where I wanted it to be, where she longed to feel me. I started rubbing gently, only increasing my pace when the beat of the music picked up. She was biting at my neck, it would leave marks, souvenirs.

I was still not feeling anything, I was an actress, this was my stage and things were about to get interesting.

2 minutes, I wanted to bring her over the edge, my fingers found their way under her skirt, her skin was so soft, smooth. I blinked back more memories, I had my hand under her panties, going in immediately. With each grunt she gave I'd push my fingers in deeper, we had a steady rhythm going, her fingers were digging into my skin.

"Go harder, fuck me harder." Her eyes were closed, she was close…so close. I had my eyes open, watching her. I had no need to close them.

I could send the DJ's eyes on me, he was watching us. It brought out the voyeur in me, it brought out the bitch in me because I knew every kiss, every touch was hurting him. I didn't care though, a part of me got a thrill out of his hurt. He wanted me, I knew he did, only, he'd never have me. Nobody would, never again.

Our eyes made contact, he blinked. I looked away.

My hand was wet, drenched – only it wasn't from me fucking the girl.

Blood, thick red blood.

I watched as her eyes went wide, from shock or surprise I didn't know, I didn't really care. I wondered what she'd done that was so bad? Why someone would want her dead? Did she fuck over a lover? Such a familiar story.

I took a step back, wiping my hand against my pants, she was clutching the knife – I hoped for her sake that she wouldn't try and remove it. I glanced around nobody knew what was going on - everyone was too caught up in the music, the rhythm... their own fucked up lives.

The song came to an abrupt end, a new DJ quickly took over. I watched as the previous one – Aiden, left the booth.

One minute to go, no time to think. Only act, always act.

I turned away, making my way to the exit. I would not allow myself to feel remorse, I would not allow myself to feel anything. Feelings were a waste of time.

Tonight the car was there, parked. The Agency would not abandon me, never again. I climbed into the passenger side, my head falling back against the head rest. The past few minutes had been intense, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed by the lack of adrenalin, there was no rush, there was nothing. My mind was blank, almost blank.

Aiden climbed in seconds later. He was slow but I'd never say anything about it, I was too blame.

"That was quite a show in there." He started the car and we went racing off.

"I guess so," I put my feet up against the dashboard, I needed another cigarette.

"You're not happy to be back?"

I rolled my eyes,

"What do you think?" I was back, killing again. This was my first hit in four months, I didn't want to be a cold blooded killer - on the run, I had this idea of a fantasy life with Spencer, a life where happiness ruled over murder but two bullets killed that fantasy.

_Spencer_ – a name I didn't want to say, I had to focus on my breathing, I had to will myself to be okay. Every second of every day was spent forcing myself to be okay, to not fall apart.

Aiden sighed,

"What? It's true Aiden. You and I both know I'm only back because I know too much. You saw for yourself, they only pulled me out of the hospital when the cops came asking questions. I'm back because I pose a threat to the Agency, simple as that."

"You're good at what you do, Ash. I'd wish you would cut yourself some slack."

I could feel the bile rising up my throat, a talent for killing. A talent I never asked for.

We were getting closer to my apartment, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be alone - I wanted to be dead.

"Stop, let me out here." I needed to escape, my head felt as if it was going to explode.

"Agent, it's not safe yet." I shot Aiden a look.

"Sorry Ash, Just let me drop you off at your apartment. I'll feel better knowing that you're safe." He cared about me, even if I almost cost him his life – he walked with a limp now, and a deep scar ran across his face - A constant reminder that I was his weakness and that Sp…She was mine.

"Safe? God Aiden, don't make me laugh!" The car came to an abrupt halt, Aiden said nothing as I climbed out but I could see the hurt look on his face. I had the urge to say something, to reassure him that I was okay but I just couldn't, I was too broken, he wouldn't be able to piece me back together, no-one could.

"Let me know when you're ready to talk." I nodded, I would never be ready. I would never show my true feelings, it was easier to pretend to be okay, it was easier not to show any emotion.

The moment I was in the comfort of my apartment I undressed, leaving my clothes scattered around. I needed a shower, I needed to wash my sins away. I also needed to clean my apartment, gone were the days of caring about the state of my place. I looked around – it was a mess, there were empty dishes in the sink and empty take out containers scattered everywhere – food I only ordered because it reminded me of her.

I had no excuse fora messy apartment, I just wasn't in the mood to clean. I had no energy for anything, I stopped caring, I stopped living. The only thing I ever did was feel sorry for myself. I was one big pity party all on my own.

I stopped in front of my mirror, I leaned in closer to examine myself. My eyes were hollow, ghost like. I felt a shiver run through my spine, my fingers immediately found their way to the bullet wounds, two of them. One on my stomach and the other just above my heart. I would always wonder if she missed my heart intentionally or if she was just a bad shot? Too bad the question would always remain unanswered because she was gone, Spencer would never return. .

I drew in a deep breath, so many nights spent alone in hospital room thinking about her, longing for her to make an appearance but nothing. Doctors kept telling me how close I'd come to dying, how lucky I was to be dumped at the entrance of the hospital. Dumped, such an appropriate word because really that's what it all came down to. I was dumped, abandoned. If she cared at all she'd have been there, hell if she cared at all she would never have fired those shots.

I had nurses telling me what a miracle it was to be alive, even a priest came to visit me, telling me that God had a plan for me, he wanted me alive for a reason. If only he knew the truth, I didn't deserve his God, I didn't deserve to be saved. God believed in me, he'd repeat those words over and over again, he would pray for me and in return I would let out a bitter laugh because how could God believe in me when I didn't even believe in myself?

I stepped away from the mirror, I couldn't look any longer. I couldn't take it anymore, I was fighting back tears I mocked myself for shedding. I was a disgrace, I really was.

My skin was still on fire from earlier, almost touched by someone new. I was overcome with guilt, I could smell the new girls scent on my fingers. I couldn't help these guilt feelings. More thoughts of Spencer came rushing to my mind, faster and faster. The more I tried to forget, the more I'd remember.

Tonight I missed her, I couldn't help but wonder if she ever missed me? If she thought about me at all? At night I would lay awake in bed, avoiding the nightmares thinking about Spencer, wondering if she was awake too or if she slept peacefully? Sometimes I would allow myself to wonder if she even bothered to find out if I lived or died, and if she did - was she disappointed that my heart was still beating? When it came to Spencer there were just too many questions, too much to think about.

Love, at the end of the day it all boiled down to love. I could feel the taste of bitterness seeping into my skin leaving a numb taste in my mouth. Love, I once thought I was in love, but I had to be wrong, this wasn't love, not at all, this was torture, continuous torture day after day and it kept getting worse.

I climbed into the shower putting the cold water on, letting my skin turn pale and blue. I didn't need hot water, I didn't need to feel pain, instead I wanted to stop feeling all together, I longed to feel numb. I so badly wanted to erase the memory of Spencer Carlin, to forget she ever existed. I swore out loud, allowing my head to hit the cold tiles infront of me. The water disguised my tears, tears I didn't want to see myself cry. This was a nightly ritual. A pattern that desperately needed changing. I bit my lip hard, the taste of blood instantly filling my mouth - anything to take away the taste of Spencer that still lingered on my skin so many months later.

I knew that I was pathetic, that I needed to move on and start living again but at the moment that was impossible because one damn sentence kept playing over and over again in my head -

'_Where the hell is Spencer Carlin?'_


	11. Long Shot

**Something different - Spencer's point of view...**

If you love someone set them free, I did that. I set my love free, I shot her once - I had time to stop myself, to come to my senses instead I pulled the trigger again. I was so unstoppable that day, I could say I was having an out of body experience - that I didn't know what I was doing but that would be a lie, I knew exactly what I was doing but I just couldn't stop it, it all went wrong so damn fast.

"Love hurts," – a phrase so true. A phrase I took to heart and Ashley took to the stomach.

I yawned, it was hard not to because I no longer slept, I was too afraid to close my eyes at night because if I did, I'd only see her, Ashley. She haunts me, only it's not the Ashley I remember, the precious girl that took my breath away – instead I saw a blood bath, I saw her face covered in blood. Her stomach is always so tattered, she's always too angry, anger always directed at me.

I took a deep breath and inhaled gun powder. I was immune to to the scents surrounding me. The only scent that ever filled my nostrils was gun powder. It was a scent I'd never be rid of.

All my emotions - my misery, everything, it became a curse. It's my punishment for the greatest crime of them all, love. I loved her so dearly. I could never explain my love for her. I never believed in love at first sight and with her it wasn't love like that, I just found myself so intrigued by her, she made me curious – her life, her past. I wanted to show her a new way of life, I wanted to show her joy and laughter, it was never my intention to show her pain. I failed her, I really did.

I no longer cared about the days of the week or months of the year. I was no longer living according to date, instead everything was blurry. Day after day it felt as if I was standing still and life was passing me by in slow motion. I knew I had to move, I had to carry on but I just couldn't take a step forward. I was stuck in slow motion.

My life was divided up into two parts, both of them Ashley related. I couldn't deny that everything I did was always Ashley related. I carried her with me, I had to. I didn't want to forget her or what I did to her.

Part one was always my favorite – Pretence: I would live in my head, I would create an edited version of our time together. There was no gun, we were never ever running from "The Agency." We were simply two naïve girls willing to do whatever it took to stay together. I would dream up little scenarios with just the two of us. Simple things like grocery shopping together and showing Ashley all the things she missed out on. I planned meals I wanted to cook for her or thought up names for the puppy I wanted to buy her. The world had so much love to give and I wanted Ashley to have all of it.

Maybe part one was simply me in denial. There was no need to care about the real world. Life and everything in it, all of it – it was wasted on me. Nothing ever mattered anymore, I preferred my imaginary world. It was safer, I was happier.

Something dropped, I jumped. Loud noises startled me, something always startled me. I lived on edge, today I was in a crowded mall, couch shopping for an apartment that was a disaster – rundown. The paint was chipping, power was a luxury reserved for a Sunday and the water was always brown, it was gross. Everything about it was so bad yet I would never do anything. I was living in hell but that was perfect for me because I stopped believing in myself, I stopped believing that I deserved anything better than this.

Part two was starting to sink in - Acceptance: I had to accept that my fantasy world was just that, a fantasy. The harsh reality was that I wasn't some hero out to save Ashley but instead I had blood on my hands, hers. Not a day went by that I didn't think about her, that I didn't wonder if she was still alive or if I killed her. My heart once filled with so much love was nothing more than a hollow shell. I was living proof that love could so easily be replaced by guilt.

I had to accept what happened that day in the field, I was a coward. The moment the second shot was fired I had to get away, I ran as fast as I could, my lungs screaming at me and my heart breaking. I couldn't do it though, at the last second I knew that I couldn't leave her to die. I went back to her, to the mess I created. She was so still, so pale. She was surrounded by so much blood. I would never get the sight out of my head. I dragged her to the car, I raced her to the closest hospital with every intention to go in with her, to stand by her but I knew I couldn't.

I was too afraid to set foot inside the hospital. I was afraid of what I'd find out, afraid to hear that she was dead. I knew the police would ask questions, I would gladly go to jail but there was a bigger fear – Ashley surviving and me having to explain to her why I did what I did. I could not explain something that not even I could understand.

I chose to run again, I ran so far from the life I once lived, the only life I ever knew. I still run but at the end of the day it doesn't matter where I go. It's all a waste because I'll never be free of myself, I am stuck in limbo and there's no getting out.

My family would be worried about me, even Paula. I knew too much, she knew I knew. Was she holding her breath, waiting for me to drop the bombshell? I found myself wondering if my father still saw me as his daughter? or if my brothers ever missed me? I longed to go back but couldn't because I was a disgrace to them. They deserved better than me. As a small child I worshipped my father, I simply adored him. I didn't want him to see his darling daughter turned into poison. I caused so much hurt wherever I went, I couldn't risk hurting them too, I couldn't risk them finding out the truth about me.

My stomach rumbled, I was hungry – I hardly ate, I denied myself food. I lived on coffee and cereal, I really was nothing but skin and bones. My skin was so pale against my black hair. I still kept my hair dark because it reminded me of her - because in passing once she told me that the dark hair suited me. I was a wreck but deep down I was still a little girl that did girly things and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get over her. I couldn't forget her face - bloody or not.

I hated where I was, standing in a furniture shop in the middle of a mall I didn't want to be at. I hated going out and facing people. It was so hard for me. I avoided making eye contact with anyone. I was always too afraid that they would take one look at me and see inside my soul. They would see me empty, they would see me as a killer.

I would not go to the food court though, no matter how hungry I was I just could not face another reminder of her. I never did see the inside of a mall with her but I would forever be reminded of the day she went to buy me food and failed. Ashley was always so good to me - all she ever wanted was to protect me and in the end, I was the biggest threat - she was the one that needed protecting, protecting from me.

I wiped at my face, I would not allow myself to fall apart. Today was supposed to be a happy day. Buying a couch would symbolise a new start. Today was the day I would finally let go of the ghost of Ashley. Today was a day just like every other day, a day full of false hope, it was all fake. Every single day I would promise myself that I'd let go, that I would forgive myself but I just couldn't. Each day was always the same, full of empty promises. I would always move on, I never did.

I battled with forgiveness, I battled to forgive my mother for wanting me dead, at times I battled to forgive Melissa for getting along so well with my mother. It wasn't her fault, she had no reason to be sorry or for me to forgive her but still, a part of me was mad at her. I was never over her, her death was always on my mind - the timing of her death was just so bad. I really needed her, Melissa was no longer important though. Sadly, I replaced her with someone else - Ashley and I tried so hard not to be angry and bitter but I was. I couldn't help but blame Melissa for the big mess I created because maybe just maybe if it wasn't for her then Ashley and I could've been - I stopped myself, I would not allow myself to think of the possibilities of a future with Ashley - the disappointment of knowing it would never happen hurt far too much.

I was not stupid, I knew deep down that I would never be able to move on but it was nice to have that flicker of hope. It was nice to dream of a day that would see me asleep - a day that would see me completely guilt free and most importantly, happy.

I longed to be happy but knew that would never happen. Not while I was still denying Ashley. I needed to get some sort of closure. I had to find out if Ashley was still alive or if I killed her. So many times I wanted to call the hospital or go back but I couldn't, fear was my biggest enemy.

I knew that living or dead Ashley would always haunt me, I made peace with the fact. I accepted it because she had every right to haunt me. She had every right to be angry at me, or disappointed even. She had a valid reason for hating me, we both shared the same reason.

I hated myself, just as she hated me. A gun going off caused so much hatred. Would there be love ever again?

All these months of thinking, of coming up with reasons and still I had absolutely nothing - no solid reason for pulling the trigger. I was a coward yes, but there was something else. A fear maybe, I shot her because maybe deep down I knew that her and I would never survive. Maybe I took the easy way out because it seemed like the quickest way out but it only backfired because this really wasn't easy at all. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My life was hard, I was working at a diner that was filthy, it was filled with people I never wanted to end up like except I had no right to not want that because they were actually better off than me because at the end of the day I was the one pouring their coffee, serving them and not the other way round. I shuddered.

My attention was brought back to the mall, couch shopping. I was here not because I wanted to be, I didn't care about a couch or bringing life to my crummy apartment. I was here because I had nowhere else to be, because it was easier to be here than out alone in such a harsh world, alone with nothing but my morbid thoughts for company.

I was here because it was where Carmen wanted to be. Carmen, a new girl. A girl that hardly knew me but treated me with so much love and respect. She was good to me, too good. I could do no harm in her eyes and I think I needed to be with someone like that. I felt empty but with her that didn't seem half bad. She made me laugh and at times she made me forget. I really needed that.

I watched as she went from couch to couch, sitting on each one. I felt even more guilt when I let myself wonder which couch Ashley would pick out. Again with the wondering, always with the wondering.

It would have to stop, all of this. Something I told myself on a daily basis but would always put off until the next day because really, what is one more day when you're living in hell? What's one more day when you've got an eternity of misery? There was no need to be in a rush.

I rubbed my fingers across the black couch, the one Ashley would pick. I let out a sigh as I walked past it, moving to join Carmen on a different couch. I sat closer to her than necessary, my hand immediately going to rub her knee. She was my girlfriend yet I always battled when it came to touching her. I had to force myself.

"I really like the white one." Such a lie, it would get dirty far too quick but it was the right thing to say, it would keep the peace.

Carmen's eyes lit up, her smile so wide. She pulled me closer, planting a kiss on my forehead. A gesture she did with admiration - a gesture that made me want to cringe.

"Me too Spence, me too"

White it is.

_

**Am going to Europe tomorrow for two weeks, next update will be after then. Got a few long plane rides, plenty of time to write a chapter or two :) **


	12. Near to you

I opened my eyes, my head was pounding. I was in bed, naked. I was not alone, I knew this before turning to face the girl beside me. Another one night stand, what have I turned into?

So much time is spent trying to fill a void. I still battled to understand why I was doing this? What made Spencer so damn special? I was at that angry phase - I blamed everything on her, every mistake I made, every minute spent in misery it was all her fault. My anger was recycled, my thoughts always repeating themselves.

I mourned her departure as if she were dead. Maybe her dead would make things easier? At least I would have closure then. For once these thoughts did not make me feel bad, they made me feel empty.

I needed to get rid of the girl - the one beside me, I couldn't risk the Agency finding her here. I was still not trusted, I wondered if they would ever trust me again? I knew I'd never trust them, I was still under constant surveillance. They knew my every move, maybe I played up to this?

I didn't know her name, this was bad - she was a result of a night spent in a bar, so many one night stands all of a sudden. So much time wasted in dodgy bars. Girls were allowed to see me naked, I undressed without a care, I wore my scars with pride - especially the bullet ones.

I longed to find Spencer, I wanted to show her the marks, I wanted her to see everything. I longed to stand in front of her just so I could rip my heart out of my chest so she could see it was broken. I wanted her to see the blood oozing out of it, she needed to see that my heart was drained of life.

I felt sick, the room was spinning. Emotion sickness, the only kind I suffered from. I got up, it was already 11am, I was wasting another day. I couldn't, I needed to do something. I knew just what would make me feel better, getting dressed I grabbed my phone and dialled Aiden's number.

"I need to kill."

"Ash." He no longer called me Agent.

"What? You don't understand, its the only thing I have." Aiden sighed,

"You've been too busy, all this killing and they're so violent, its not like you." I could hear the disapproval in his voice.

He was right, since that night in the club I have been unstoppable, testing myself I guess. I had all this inner conflict, I didn't know where I belonged. Killing made me feel alive again, it was a new high. At the club as the knife went in that girl I felt nothing at first but then I woke up the next morning so full of life. I wanted to see how far I could go, I was full of life yes - but the wrong kind - the bad kind. Evil was winning my soul and as I killed over and over again I needed to feel some form of good, I needed to make a connection with someone new but it just wasn't happening for me, I sighed, all too much proof that Spencer really was one of a kind.

The girl came into the room, she was naked - this didn't bother her, neither did the fact that I was on the phone. She placed herself on my lap. I was too shocked to do anything, she was biting on my neck while her fingers wandered my body.

"Get me a hit." I hung up, finally coming to my senses.

"What are you doing?"

"Breakfast," she smirked, not stopping.

I pushed her off me and stood up. "Don't."

She frowned, "what's wrong?"

"I think you should leave."

She sighed, "one night stand?" Clever girl, I nodded.

"Is it because of Spencer?" My eyebrow shot up.

"How do you know about her?"

"You spent all night rambling on about her and while we were, you know - you called out her name."

"Fuck!" I couldn't believe this.

"I was once in love too, he broke my heart." I didn't want to have this conversation now, not with her naked and me without a care. I bit my lip,

"I can't do this." She moved to sit on my couch, clearly she wasn't going anywhere.

"Talking does help." So Aiden kept telling me.

"I need to get ready for work." I moved to leave the room.

"Nice lie."

I paused to look at her, she was getting under my skin, it had to stop.

"I could kill you." I blurted out.

"You'd be doing me a favor," She didn't blink.

"I'm being serious." I would strangle her, slowly.

"So am I."

"Your family will miss you?"

"I have no family"

"Go get dressed."

"Why? You don't like me naked?" She smirked.

"I'm taking you for breakfast, the real kind." What was I saying? Doing? Her face lit up.

"One night stand remember?" It was hard for me not to smile. Spencer was forever on my mind but this morning, so far, it hurt a little less.

"Friend, maybe?" I was not sure if I was ready for anything else, especially with a girl who's name I could not remember.

"Potential girlfriend material, I prefer." She got up, off the couch and rolled her eyes as she walked past me.

I had no idea where I was going to take her or what the hell I was doing, I was losing my mind. The Agency would have a field day with this but it felt good - the smile on my face was new and the concept of living in the moment was quite appealing.

-

I was blushing - it felt awkward, here we were having an intimate conversation and I still could not remember her name. I was too shy to ask or too ashamed.

She ended up taking me for breakfast, we were at a coffee shop across town, it was small, cosy. I found it easier to open up to her here, less people around to frighten me off. I told her about Spencer, it was better talking about it sober. I told her about the day in the field, it was hard not to cry. I was honest about everything, The Agency - all of it, even my job title. I was breaking so many codes, risking it all yet it felt so good - so right, there was just something about this girl that made opening up a little easier.

She didn't so much as blink as I got it all off my chest. I was puzzled - she told me her family were mafia, she was used to violence - her parents were gunned down by a gang. She smiled when I told her I had killed a few gang leaders in my day.

It felt nice having a confidant, even a nameless one. In exchange for my honesty she spoke of her heart break. In high school - a boy squashed her heart, she vowed never to date a guy again. She had their future plotted out - he had his next fuck planned out, it wasn't her. She was brave dating girls - after my brief encounter with love I would rather stick with a cold, lonely heart forever.

I could no longer stand not knowing her name, she giggled as I plucked up the courage to ask.

"Last night you called me Kyla, you said it suited me." I sighed, alcohol was bad for me - all my secrets were coming out. Her words hit me hard though, did I really call her Kyla then sleep with her? Did I have feelings for Kyla all those years ago? I shivered, suddenly cold. She was like a sister to me. This wasn't right.

"What's your real name then?" I felt bad calling her Kyla then suddenly calling out "Spencer" during sex. She was a sucker for punishment being here with me.

"Its Jade..." She smiled.

"Wow, that's a beautiful name." It really was, I caught myself before saying it was more beautiful than "Kyla" and even, I gulped "Spencer."

"Thank you."

We both sat there smiling. I didn't really know what else to say. I was still not good with talking in general.

"You wanna see a movie tonight?" She wouldn't look me in the eye, probably too afraid to see my reaction.

I hated the cinema, I had only ever been once and that was only to research a victim - an actress. Maybe I was taking too long to explain myself, maybe she wanted to explain further.

"I don't want this to be a once off thing, I like talking to you, we live with the same hurt, we're both alone." I nodded in agreement.

"Let's be alone together, in a cinema? I will even share my popcorn with you." Would going to a movie really hurt? I needed a new "high" maybe a film would take my mind off killing and most importantly, off Spencer.

"Okay, but you don't have to share. I don't eat popcorn"

-

The cinema was full - so crowded, she reached for my hand, I let her. Despite last night and this morning, it felt like a first date. This really was a first for me, I had never been on a date before. Jade would have something over Spencer, I was glad, she didn't deserve all the firsts, if I was honest she didn't deserve seconds or thirds either - maybe I was healing, moving on even.

I never paid much attention to the film, Jade never let go of my hand - not once, this was comfortable. I decided that I could go along with this, Jade was a nice girl - she made me forget when she was around. She was "new" but in such a short period of time she gave me hope. Real or not - I wasn't sure but I was slowly opening up to the possibility that life did indeed exist after Spencer Carlin. My thoughts were interrupted by cursing and a door opening. Late comers, very late comers. The movie was almost over. Jade giggled,

"Why do they even bother coming in?" I shrugged and turned to look at them.

My heart skipped a beat or maybe it sank a little. One of the girls looked like Spencer. I bit my lip - the ghost of Spencer was back - making fun of me for being on this date, for even wanting to move on. I sighed and looked away. I didn't want to see a Spencer look alike, I would stand strong and not allow this evening to be ruined. This was my date, I wanted to enjoy it. I owed it to Jade and I most definitely owed it to myself.

I turned to face Jade, she was enjoying her popcorn, I smiled - she was engrossed in the film but I needed to tell her something, it couldn't wait. Leaning closer - so my mouth was close to her ear I mumbled,

"You're right, girlfriend material is better."

It was true.

**Later, Elsewhere**

"Did you see how everyone was watching as we came in Spencer?"

I forced my eyes closed I knew what was about to happen and there was no stopping it.

"Do you plan on answering?" I took a deep breath, preparing myself.

"It was only a movie, relax baby," I slowly moved to touch her arm as gently as I could.

"You embarrassed us in that cinema Spencer!" She was so damn angry, Carmen always was these days.

Something went horribly wrong in our relationship, I lost control, I lost myself. I was too stuck in my fantasy world to pay much attention to the bruises, the violence - it was something new or maybe Carmen was always rough with me and I only noticed now - now that I was reaching boiling point.

I said I deserved to live a life of hell but my body just couldn't cope for much longer there were just too many trips to the emergency room, too many hours spent thinking up fake names and false stories. I was not a clumsy girl but I had to pretend, I was so tired of the act.

After each beating I would want to leave, my bags would be packed and the will power there but I never reached beyond the front door. I had nowhere else to go, I had nowhere to be, no-one to lean on - All these reasons where my own fault.

Growing up my father saved the type of girl I turned into - the victim. I knew all the signs, the character traits - they were all found in Carmen.

Tonight I could only pray to God that the beating wouldn't be too severe, not that God would listen because maybe Carmen was my punishment for Ashley.

It was this belief that usually led me to unpacking my bags - to staying and forgiving Carmen.

"We almost missed the entire movie! Why did you get home so late? Where were you?"

"I told you, the diner. We had a meeting, they were going to fire me if I left. Please calm down." I spoke half heartedly, I just couldn't stop what would happen anyway.

There was no time to react, I was on the floor - my nose bloody. Tonight she was going for the face - I already had tears in my eyes, not from the pain but because not once did I ever think that this would be my life. I was a good girl - I was intelligent, I had a bright future ahead of me and now as I lay on the floor - as the hits just kept coming there was no sign of that future. It was all blank, my life was a blank canvas only decorated in red.

"I'm never going to the cinema with you ever again!"

I hardly paid attention to what she was saying, or screaming rather - I didn't even look up at her because staring back at me was not the girl I pretended to love - the girl hurting me was so far from that girl. She was destroying the little soul I had left.

It was over, Carmen was gone. She would not return until morning. I didn't know where she went after the beatings, I was just relieved for the time alone to compose myself, to clean myself up.

I would not bother packing my stuff tonight or even pretend that I was going to leave. Tonight I simply wanted to crawl into bed and be still, I so badly wanted to switch off and have the world stop spinning for a few hours. I needed the world to stop hating me because I couldn't take it any longer.

I climbed into bed, I didn't clean myself up or change it was too much effort. I closed my eyes, I cuddled up against my pillow. It reeked of Carmen but I didn't even have the energy to get a new one - to chuck this one across the room. I simply blocked out the scent just as I blocked everything else out.

I let my mind wander to Ashley, she was still my first and my final thought each day. I knew that Ashley was alive, she had to be because I was weak, frail, and if I could survive Carmen's beatings then Ashley, strong Ashley would survive two gun shots.

She was not allowed to be dead because the fantasy in my head was altered, different now. The fantasy was no longer her and I living a happy, sheltered life of sunshine and joy, oh no, I now dreamt of Ashley coming in and scooping me up in her arms. I dreamt of her rescuing me - that old childhood fantasy was back - the one of prince charming on a white horse coming to rescue me from evil, only it was altered now - Ashley was my princess and she really didn't need a white horse but she did need to come and rescue me, I needed saving from evil - Carmen and I needed it soon.

I let out a sob, a loud cry that probably sounded like a wild animal dying and for a brief second I wished I was dying, I was now so helpless, so full of sorrow. I was desperate for something good to happen.

I closed my eyes, I was exhausted - the beatings took a lot out of me, tonight I only hoped that sleep would come soon because my mind was still awake, dreaming, wishing and I couldn't handle anymore empty fantasies.

**New Point of view**

I could not take this for another night, the walls were thin, I heard every argument, every slap, every cry. It was driving me crazy. I longed to stop it, the moment the girl would raise her voice I would want to go in and put a stop to it but I couldn't, I was wanted by the police. I could not bring attention to myself, I would be punished - I wanted to save the girl but my own life was more important.

I wanted to kill her but that was not in my job description, I did not have the authority. I moved here - to this terrible neighborhood to get away from my career. This was my shelter - nobody would think to look for me here, it was my way of escaping and now some some girl was ruining that, things were not going as peaceful as I wished for - The beatings and the cries, the noise and the violence was just getting louder and louder - worse with each day that passed. The apartment next door was like a torture chamber and I was too familiar with those.

I sighed, the girl next door was sobbing now, I could hear it clearly. I tried to block the sound out but I couldn't, not when I grew up watching my father beat up my mother. I wished the girl would come to her senses and leave but I knew that she would not - I knew the statistics, one person usually ended up dead - my mother was a not so perfect example of that.

Death was something I was immune too, my day was full up of people dying. It was an easy solution to so many problems - problems just like the one next door. My mind was ahead of me - could I really? I wasn't even sure if this would be allowed? It would be so easy to call in a personal favor but did I really want to get involved?

I needed to do this though, for the poor girls sake and because nobody ever did help my mother. I had to because my days were busy and all I wanted was to come home to peace and quiet so I could sleep and forget but that was impossible when the violence never left me at work, it followed me home.

I had never seen the neighbours - only heard them, I worked odd hours. If my new formed plan was going to work I would need something to get the job done - I needed a start, the others would do the rest.

I stayed up all night, patiently waiting for the girl to come home, if this was going to work - if I really was going to go through with this I would need a photograph at least.

I heard noises in the hallway, I grabbed my camera and rushed out - shocked at what I saw - a normal looking girl, she was small - pretty, there was no sign of her violent temper, I thought of the people I worked with, all of them looked normal - all of them were normal.

I didn't say anything - instead I aimed the camera at her and clicked, I wished it were a gun in my hand but I would never pull a trigger, my eye sight was too bad. It boiled down to that, not me being a coward or not wanting too but simply because I was too blind for violence.

The girl looked at me puzzled, she was going to say something but I didn't give her time, I walked back into my apartment slamming the door behind me. My heart was pounding, the thought of plotting her death rather exciting.

I went to find my phone, taking a moment to remember the number I never dialled because there was never a need to use it. I never brought my work home, I never got involved with anyone outside of working hours. That was about to change.

I was relieved when I heard the correct voice - my memory seldom failed me.

"Aiden, it's Madison - I need to take out a contract."


	13. Eyes on Fire

I was slumped back, my head resting against the wall of Madison's lounge. My butt was already numb from the hard, rough floor. I was uncomfortable from sitting here for so long or from being here – inside this dingy apartment I just wasn't sure. I glanced up at Madison sitting on a bright pink couch. Madison, a girl I thought was so classy, a girl so full of attitude. She was always so consumed by her appearance, a little vain at times. I just could not place her in this apartment, she just did not belong.

What the hell was she doing here?

What was I?

A harsh answer – Screams, loud screams and cries, repeated each night - glass breaking and things getting bumped, a girl probably.

Violence - there was just so much violence next door. Secrets coming out with each hit, I was here for that - A sick voyeur, coming here night after night for the past week to observe but never do anything.

I would listen in as two girls fought or rather, one girl fought while the other was defenceless, mute. I would sit still, never doing anything as the screams got louder and the hitting out of control. Madison would always flee the room, not me. I'd sit, patiently waiting for it to be over, I'd sit biding my time.

A loud banging, a door slamming – my cue to get up off this harsh floor, to investigate, to do what I do best.

I would reach the door next door - it would be so easy to go inside. It would take no effort to break the door down, to come to a strangers rescue during an argument and save the bruised and broken girl.

I always stood conflicted. An inner struggle – my morals were so askew that I never knew what the right thing to do was? A normal, decent person would knock, go inside and see if the girl was alright. I wanted to do that, I wanted to be that good person for once in my life but I just couldn't, maybe because I didn't want to be too involved or maybe because I didn't fit in with the good girl oh no, instead I would slowly back away from the door, at times I would feel bad and trace my fingers across the door that was falling off its hinges, falling apart, just like the girl inside and I would hope that the girl inside would be okay because I would never go for the good girl, I would not save her, instead I would go after the bad one, the girl I identified with.

Carmen.

I was so unsure of myself, of my intentions. I didn't want to be the good girl because it backfired. I tried to save Spencer, she almost killed me.

Bad was better, easier.

I would stay in the dark, shadows watching as Carmen would sit parked in her car, going nowhere. She would sit sobbing, shaking. Probably dealing with the aftermath of what she'd just done, what she was capable of doing.

I wondered if she was surprised by the beatings, by her own violence. As I watched I would wonder why she was out here, in the parking lot crying when she could've been upstairs patching things up, piecing her life back together.

I was curious, intrigued by the girl in the car. A connection, I spent all this time trying to form a connection and here she was, crying her heart out. Another girl I was supposed to kill, another kill that I wasn't sure I could go through with.

Carmen was evil, awful - a girlfriend beater. She deserved to be beaten herself, she deserved to die but I just wasn't sure if I was the right one to do the killing. I was simply too intrigued, puzzled. I had a desire to know why she was beating on the girl upstairs, what went wrong in her life to make her turn out this way? It was the same desire that prevented me from killing Spencer – that drove me to finding out about Paula - that eventually ended in disaster.

A connection was made, I felt a thrill.

I thought about Spencer, it was foreign. As days went on I thought about her less and less. The more time I spent with Jade the easier it became, the more I realized that maybe my entire viewpoint on the situation that once was between Spencer and I was all wrong. I blamed myself for everything, but now thinking about it – I blamed myself too easily, I was the complete opposite of Spencer because at the end of the day it was so easy for her to pull the trigger, she had the intent to kill me but with her, I didn't want to cause her any harm. I wanted to protect her, I would never have pulled the trigger, never ever.

I sighed, I always did.

Jade, I should've been thinking about Jade. Not Spencer.

Life was better now, drama free – almost. Jade was a breath of fresh air, we laughed together, we got to be happy together. She killed the loneliness. There were no thoughts of love, or sailing off into the sunset instead I just went with the flow, she slotted into my life, she was patient and understanding. I needed that, I really did. She was a welcome distraction from Spencer.

Spencer, again my thoughts went back to her. I was thinking about her less and less yes, but when I did think about her it would confuse me, it would hurt me. I would be pushed back into those happy moments with her, and all progress made without her, made with Jade would be lost because I was happy to move on, I really was but there was still a part of me that was holding back, that just couldn't move on – that refused to.

I would have fun with Jade, I would laugh and feel myself getting swept away with her but then I'd get home to my empty apartment and think about Spencer. I would be consumed by so much guilt that I would crawl into bed and cry, I would hate myself, I would regret the time spent with Jade and vow never to see her again. I felt as if I was betraying Spencer. She deserved the betrayal – not that it was betrayal but she deserved less than what I was giving her after all this time. She was stealing my thoughts, my chance of happiness.

Jade would arrive the next morning, breakfast in hand. A total surprise that would have me laughing and then, sometimes crying. I would burst into tears and cling to her, she would never let go or say anything. She would not judge me because she felt my hurt, we shared our pain. Jade and I, we were the same and for that we made the perfect match. My pity party for one simply became a pity party for two.

Sometimes these thoughts would come creeping into my mind. Dread and worry, this fear that I may end up like Jade. I liked her, she was a good catch but it bugged me that so many years later she was still hung up on a boy from high school. Was she a future me?

Would I be like her so many years from now, still hung up on Spencer? Still stuck in a moment, stuck in a "relationship" that wasn't really a relationship at all but something that just couldn't be defined.

Spencer's ghost had holes poking through it, more and more each day so maybe it was fading but still, there were always little reminders of her, little reminders of her that would cause me this grief and doubt – would hinder the healing process.

I didn't want that sort of life, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to forget. I burst out laughing, the girl next door screamed.

I came to my senses, my mind came racing back to this apartment, to Madison on her pink couch and the girl next door, focusing on the screams.

How easy it was for me to block out the noises next door when I was buried deep in my mind. How easy it was for me to be so self consumed when the girl next door was fighting for her life.

Tonight's beatings were the worst we've heard so far. Madison was staring at me, her face pale, her fingers shaking.

"You need to get it over with."

"It's not that easy." Excuses, while the girl next door struggled, I was keeping a girl alive for my own sick pleasure.

"I don't care what the Agency says Ashley, you need to kill Carmen." This wasn't an official hit, Madison went to Aiden first, he turned her down. He wouldn't get involved, it was too small, the Agency only dealt with bigger killings, more prominent people – domestic violence did not meet the grade.

Again, another question that plagued me, why would the Agency not do this, turn their back on this hit when they took Paula's money, when they were happy with the hit on Spencer to go ahead?

More questions to be added to the ever growing pile.

Madison came to me, knowing I would do it. If anyone would go against the Agency it would be me, only I had changed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go against the Agency again. I didn't have the energy or the heart for it.

I also had a fear, Jade. She was involved now, the Agency knew of our relationship. Any error on my part would be taken out on her and I could not live with that. Jade was bringing me joy; I would not bring her harm.

"I'm afraid," the words slipped out before I could catch them. I didn't mean for them to come out, I didn't mean to expose myself.

"I was afraid once too." Madison moved off the tacky couch and came to sit next to me, it was awkward.

"When I was little my father would come home, drunk. He would beat on my mother, I would cry and beg and plead for God to send a saviour our way, to protect my mother. No-one came, my father beat my mother to death."

I gave Madison a sideways glance, she was holding back tears. I was biting my tongue, unsure of what to say, afraid that my words would just make things more intimate. I was uncomfortable around Madison, I was too aware of the role she played a few months ago. I needed her to do something for me and she wasn't willing, I had to guilt trip her into getting documents that I never did get to see. A selfish part of me didn't want to help Madison out of spite.

I was silent for too long,

"You could be that saviour for the girl next door. You could help her." Madison had her hand on my leg. Was she coming onto me? I turned to look at her, to study her face. It wasn't that, there was no romantic notion, instead she was simply pleading with me for help.

"I'm not a saviour." It was true, I wasn't.

"If you cannot kill Carmen for the girl next doors sake then please do it for my own. I need this Ashley, I need this so badly, I'll do anything Ashley. Anything at all, please just do it and soon."

"Death is not always the answer." They could patch things up, Carmen could stop, get help. I tried putting myself in their situation, something so bad – would they ever recover from it? Would I ever recover if I was the one being beaten? I doubted it, I was still battling with my scars so many months later, I would not recover. I didn't want to recover.

I was cracking, coming around. I would break the connection; I would save the girl next door.

I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry.

I was getting so many lessons in human emotion, so many feelings to explore. Each feeling would lead to a different outcome, I was still getting used to all of it, dealing with one feeling at a time.

I had no time to think further, my ears were ringing. A loud scream, a plea rushing through my body.

Madison jumped up, I couldn't move. I was stuck, stuck in a moment so many months ago with Spencer.

The plea was all too familiar, Spencer – the day I wanted to put her into the trunk, she was so afraid just like the girl next door was now.

I was gulping for air, the desire to save the girl next door suddenly overwhelming. The girl next door could be anyone, it could be Spencer or even Jade - an innocent girl that deserved a happy life just like I was craving.

The connection suddenly changed but it was too late.

We could hear everything but not seeing was the hardest part, not really knowing what was going on next door. The pleading continued until words were shouted,

"Don't oh god don't!" A loud scream and then deadly silence.

Madison was crying, sobbing. Was the girl next door dead? Did Carmen go too far? Another death to add to my conscience, I didn't want that.

I needed to do something, going next door seemed like a good start but I just couldn't bring myself to move. I was stuck, frozen.

Madison grabbed me by the wrist,

"Listen."

There was a sound next door, crying. Only it wasn't coming from the wrong girl, it was coming from Carmen. Heart wrenching sobs,

I felt no sympathy now, I identified with the wrong girl. A girl I never met, Carmen, a girl whose surname I didn't even know but I identified with her, the Carmen in the car, the one that cried. If I was honest she reminded me of Spencer, there was just something about her. Maybe it was the dark hair, or maybe it was simply the fact that her actions were showing some kind of remorse. Did Spencer cry in the car as she rushed off, away from the hospital, away from me?

Honestly, I was intrigued by Carmen because she could be my Spencer.

I blinked back guilt, anything I was involved with always backfired, turned horribly wrong. Jade was better off without me, I had to end things with her, it would just end horribly. I would save her the hurt, the drama.

I was being dragged outside of the apartment, Madison was pulling me along. Why were all these emotions hitting me now, such bad timing? Always too late, always.

There were sirens now, loud sirens, so familiar.

We were standing in the hallway. Madison no longer crying and me, I was no longer feeling anything, not even when the door next door opened to reveal a pale looking Carmen, a murderer maybe.

I couldn't take my eyes off Carmen, I wanted to say something to her, anything. I wanted to make contact, finally as she stood lifeless.

The medics came rushing up the stairs, sometimes tripping over the trash thrown on the floor. This place really was a dump, Madison would have to move, I would make sure of that.

I battled to find the words for Carmen; at least for once she did the right thing. She called for help. Help – the paramedics. They were coming for the wrong girl, the good girl. They had it all wrong, I had it all wrong. It should've been Carmen on the stretcher being wheeled passed me.

I glanced down, finally moving my attention away from Carmen. A girl lay close to death, beaten so badly that chances of survival were slim. There was so much blood, far too much blood. Tiny speckles of glass clung to her body. She looked so bad, so butchered. It would be hard for anyone to recognize her, only I did.


	14. Search and Destroy

Apologies in the delay, a mate of mine passed away and I suffered a break up. Might show in my writing, I apologize.

_

In a white sterile room I lost my mind, my heart. Four days later and still, I sat keeping vigil over a girl that didn't so much as move. A girl that really didn't deserve to have me here, I was returning a favor, I would not abandon her when she needed me, I was not like her, I could not flee.

Instead, I was a wreck, hovering about in the room. I didn't know what to do with myself, where to sit. There was a chair in the corner of the room, it would be so easy to sit on it – to move it right beside Spencer and sit watching her, willing her to wake up, to be okay but instead I paced, up and down. I was so unsure of what to do, my thoughts, my heart, they were all over the place.

Spencer… SPENCER… was in a hospital bed, right in front of me – fighting for her life. What were the chances of her being the girl Carmen was beating on? Carmen, my blood boiled. I'd take care of her, later – once I was sure that Spencer would be okay I would destroy her, I would tear her apart limb by limb. Her death would be violent, bloody. I would not hesitate – never again.

I wiped at my face, I stopped pacing to look down at the girl on the bed, was this her karma for what she'd done to me? Did I even believe in Karma? No, this was not Karma. Spencer did not deserve the life she was living, in my mind Spencer would always be that innocent girl, the girl that needed protecting. I refused to believe, to accept that anyone would want to cause any harm to her. What was Carmen thinking? She was a monster, an evil monster. I sighed, I was no better than Carmen, what the hell was I thinking?

What was I doing here? I was always the fool, I was back – that old frame of mind was back in full force. I was in a room with the wrong girl, Spencer deserved nothing from me, not so much as a morsel of my heart. I'd given myself away, I'd given my heart to Jade but the instant I saw Spencer being wheeled out of that apartment it all changed, my heart exchanged hands. Poor Jade, I bowed my head, ashamed. I vanished, I just vanished. I had ignored phone calls, text messages I didn't bother to read, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had no idea what I'd say to her? I didn't want to hurt her, she didn't deserve any hurt especially not after she showed me that life, that living was possible without Spencer.

I vowed to make amends with her, once all of this was over I would go to her and explain. She would understand because if anyone would understand it would be her.

I sighed, why was it so easy for me to hurt innocent people? Why was it so easy to be completely consumed by Spencer? I bit my lip and dragged the chair from the corner to sit beside her, I gave in. It was easy to give in to temptation when it came to Spencer. A twisted part of me wanted to be the first person she saw when she woke up, I had faith that she would wake up, that she would be okay and maybe a small – very small part of her would be happy to see me.

It was also so easy to lose focus, to forget about the big picture when sitting here so close to Spencer, oh how easy it would be to touch her, to entwine our fingers together. It was so simple to give in to more temptation, to lose my senses completely yet I just couldn't bring myself to touch her, I was almost too afraid – it would just make this situation too real. A very large part of me was still in denial, it hurt less to believe that this was just a dream, just like all the others I had of Spencer. This really couldn't be happening, could it? Would fate really be so cruel to bring us back together when Spencer was on the verge of death? Would I finally watch her die? Was this how it would all end? How it was supposed to end?

These negative thoughts made me so angry, I stood up, I had to get away from Spencer – I didn't belong here, I was crazy, mad. I'd lost the plot. I was shaking, my insides were churning. This was a sick life I didn't want to be experiencing. I was kidding myself, being here. I wanted to run, I needed to get as far away from Spencer as possible. I stormed out the room, the air changed the moment I heard her door slam behind me. Breathing became easier, I was no longer light headed. I missed Spencer already.

Nurses, Doctors paused what they were doing to take notice of me. I didn't care, I cared too much. I paused, my head was shouting at me to leave, to go back to Jade, to do something – anything but to just leave. But it was my heart I listened to, it was always my heart that got me into so much trouble. I looked as crazy as I felt, I was standing in the middle of the passage, unmoving. Completely lost but I knew I wouldn't leave, I would not betray my heart.

I turned and walked back into the room or stormed in rather, there was so much I needed to say to her, so much I needed to get off my chest. I still had so much anger floating through my mind, hurt that was recycled – feelings I battled to get rid of.

"How could you do this to me Spencer?" My voice was harsh, angry. "What the fuck am I doing here? Why am I here for you when you so easily abandoned me, how could you do that to me? How could you leave me for so many months?" I was deflating, breaking. I fell back into the chair still beside Spencer. I had my head in my hands, I was crying.

"I'm such a fucking idiot." I was, I looked up at her,

"Why won't you wake up? Say something, I'm so tired of all this hurt, of living without you. Do you even care?" I doubted it – she was stone cold.

"You may as well be dead!" The moment those words escaped my lips I regretted it, I cried even more,

"I'm so sorry Spencer, I'm so lost without you. Please don't die." I could not fathom a life without Spencer, sure we spent all this time living apart but I had a sense about her, I always knew she was alive. Could I really handle seeing her die before my eyes? I was helpless, I had no control over the situation. If Spencer was to die then I would die too, it was as simple as that. We were always meant to die together and now, if the universe would have it that way then we would die together.

How could I think these thoughts? How could I be apologizing when really, she was the one that owed me an apology? In a perfect world all my shouting, my rambling, my pleading would get through to Spencer, she would wake up and things would be okay because even if she'd not be happy to see me, even if she was still bruised and would be scarred for life it would be alright because at least Spencer would be alive but my world was never perfect and still Spencer lay motionless, the heart monitor kept beeping as normal. Her heart rate would not so much as pick up, not even a little. I really was fighting a losing battle.

I never did have much hope, there was no reason for it. Hope and faith, so foreign to me but I was desperate, I needed a miracle – anything to happen. I could not sit here for much longer doing nothing but think, I needed to be alone, I had to regroup. Earlier I left the room with the intent of not coming back but now I just needed a break, I needed fresh air, I needed a cigarette. I got up, I looked down at Spencer,

"Look, I'm sorry I freaked out, I'll be back, I promise… I just need fresh air."

-

There was a smoker's room on the ground floor. A Hospital with a room for smoker's, it didn't seem right but there I sat taking deep drags of a cigarette I cursed myself for smoking while watching those around me. We all had a story to tell, some of ours harsher than others. Patients - sitting. smoking. Some of them attached to drips, to machines, loud scary looking machines yet here they sat puffing away. Did these people value their lives? I didn't care if I was living or dead, my life meant nothing to me but Spencer on the other hand, she deserved to live. I looked at every single person in this room and wished with all my heart that I could trade these people's lives for Spencer's. I was selfish - it was easy for me to play God when I was all about making sacrifices for Spencer. She was no better than any person in this room but my heart would not believe that, in my heart she was just so pure, untouchable.

I stubbed out the cigarette, it made me sick. I doubted that I would ever smoke another one. It was a filthy habit that I picked up, I trudged back up the stairs, ignoring the elevator, ignoring my ever present thoughts. The walk would do me good, a part of me wanted to prolong the process of getting to Spencer's room, a morbid room full of morbid, angry, hopeless thoughts.

The door was open, I was sure I closed it when I left earlier, I shrugged, my mind was good at tricking me. I heard voices, a nurse – I recognized the voice but I didn't care, it was the second voice I zoned in on – it was weak, very weak and gruff but I'd recognize that voice anywhere. Spencer, she was awake and I missed it. I let out a bitter laugh, of course I'd miss her waking up. Did I really think otherwise? My mind went back to all those downstairs in the smoking room, those lives I so easily traded.

It would be easy to walk in, Spencer was awake, this was what I wanted but I was nervous, afraid. My hands were shaking, my stomach was weak. I looked a mess, my hair was a mess and I'd been in the same clothes for all this time. I hated that I reaked of cigarette smoke, I so badly wanted to clean up but it didn't really matter how I looked, what was important that Spencer was alive, that she was awake.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, this is what I was waiting for, this is what I was living for. I took a giant leap into the room, my eyes finding hers instantly, my heart was racing, my lip bloody I was biting it so hard

"Spencer…" I forced out a smile – no it wasn't forced, it was easy to smile when you were face to face with an awake Spencer, it was easy to smile when the girl before me was sitting with a smile of her own, with a face completely lit up, so full of love – still after all this time that familiar look of love was still present. All my fears were for nothing, Spencer was happy to see me. In this moment I had hope, and I had faith. My heart was bursting with both, I wanted to wrap my arms around Spencer, I wanted to promise her that I'd never be away from her, never ever again. I wanted to forget our awful past. She would be safe now, I would live to protect her, I would make her the happiest person alive.

"Carmen, baby!"

My thoughts evaporated, my heart cracked, I paused. I said nothing. I turned away from her, I refused to look at her, refused to allow her to see the hurt on my face, hurt always caused by her. Hurt I always allowed her to cause, I wouldn't cry, there was no desire to cry, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing at all. In fact I wanted to laugh, I was free now, finally free. Four days wasted in a hospital room, watching over a girl that only wanted Carmen. You often wonder what you would do in a situation like this, when you have confirmation that you're not wanted, that you're forgotten. I wish I had the words to explain my feelings, but I had nothing – absolutely nothing.

My mind was blank, empty. I had that scenario at the back of my mind, what I would do, if Spencer was unhappy to see me, if I was forgotten but there was no game plan for Spencer thinking I was Carmen, for Spencer loving Carmen. It was obvious she loved Carmen, still, after everything she loved Carmen just as I loved her. That look of joy, the pure bliss so clearly shown on her messed up face, all of it – it was all for Carmen, not for me. I never did allow that thought to enter my mind, not once. Oh how stupid of me.

I did not bother correcting Spencer, I would not allow myself to say anything to her. I would simply allow her to think that I was Carmen, I would allow her to do what she was always so good at doing, I played my part well, I made hurting me so easy for her. No, no – I would not do anything, I would forget these four days ever happened. Spencer did what she was good at doing and now it was my turn, I would do what came so natural to me – I would walk away, vanish

I was finished.


	15. Shake it out

**They say you need to sleep on things, never make drastic decisions out of fear you'd only regret them later. I was always impulsive, more of a 'live in the moment' kind of girl. I would react, lash out and never regret later because I was a liar, because believing in no regrets was easier than admitting I'd made a mistake. **

**I was a contradiction, I was a girl who made no sense, my thoughts made no sense, my feelings made no sense. I was done with human emotions; I was not done at all. Darkness was my new found friend, I hid in the shadows, I lived out in daylight. I was split in two. I was in heaven, I was in hell, I was bypassing limbo. **

**I was cold, freezing, yet my cheeks burnt red. I inhaled, I exhaled, I did it again and again and again, I blinked away the memories, I blinked to remember everything. I let out a laugh, I let out a sob, I let myself fall back, my body coming in contact with the harsh, comfortable rug beneath me. I hit my head with a thud, it felt so good, it made me cringe. This was so very wrong but it was too late now, there was no going back now because the damage had been done, the pain had been inflicted. **

**You're supposed to protect the ones you love, you're supposed to get pleasure from standing up for what you believe in, you're not supposed to live your life feeling empty, you're not supposed to stab someone to death while your heart bled out on your sleeve.**

**I moved my head slightly, our eyes met, I laughed louder... oh how dead we both were, lying here in this bloody moment. I finally reacted, I finally did what was expected of me, only I was so late in the follow through that nothing mattered now, it was all useless, a waste I jumped right into without a care, with too many cares.**

**In this moment I had no idea what to say, or feel? This moment I so freely created, this moment I longed for, this moment that was supposed to make things better, that was supposed to make me better, make me feel alive, make me feel right. Yet here I was, in a darkened room with the scent of blood filling the nostrils, yet again. In the company of a girl I killed, a ruthless kill. I could say this kill was undeserving but that would be a lie, I could say this killing was so well deserved that I acted out with too little care, with too much vigour but that would be a lie too because this kill was cold blooded, it was born out of an irritation that blew up into hate, that blew up into jealousy. **

**All this rage floating around deep within my heart, all this rage I tried to rid myself of but only failed miserably at doing. I took a deep breath; I moved my fingers, letting it soak in the blood I always surrounded myself in. I wished this blood was mine, I wished this blood wasn't here at all. No that was a lie, it needed to be here, I needed to be here, I needed to be alone with nobody at all. **

**I was a regular on the pity party scene, a VIP member of all things miserable. I needed to clean myself up; I needed to rid myself of this vice I clung onto for dear life. I needed to stop hiding behind my career, a career that made me a bitter cold wreck. I needed to feel in moderation, I needed a balance between all these emotions because I either felt too much or nothing at all. I was not a contradiction, I was an extreme and as fast as it all started I needed to finish it. I needed this to end; I needed to put a stop to things before it went too far, before my rage overtook me, before I bled my heart dry. **

**I shot up, shaking it out, shaking out all this blood from me, I knew I was doing this in vain, that it was too late but still I needed to escape from this crummy apartment, I needed to escape from this old and rusty mind of mine. I needed to rid myself of my heart, I needed to give in to my heart, I needed to stand up to myself, I needed to stop my heart, for once and for all this evil heart of mine needed the suffering that would push it over the edge and kill me. Only in the death of my heart would I rid myself of all these feelings that I was unable to handle, I would not be pushed over the edge, I would jump. **

**I needed to be careful, I needed to clean up, if there was one murder I needed well hidden it was this one. Another lie - I wanted to scream out my actions, I wanted to divulge to the world just how violent I was, I wanted to hold up this decaying body beside me to the person I loved, to the person I hated most in this darkened world of mine. I couldn't be bothered to do either, because in this depressed state of mind I had no energy to do anything but fall back down to the ground and not move, because I was safe here. I was safe in this crummy apartment away from the world. In here, I felt safe, protected. **

**Protection, I had that, I had that in the girl who's calls I'd still not returned, the girl who's heart I so ruthlessly smashed without a care in the world over a girl, all for a fucking girl who called me "Carmen" – I needed to stop thinking about it, I needed to stop thinking about this because these thoughts I've been indulging in lately have brought me here, have brought on actions I was so unsure of.**

**It was getting late, I was getting too careless, gambling too much. Someone would surely stumble upon this scene sometime soon. I had to leave, I needed to go elsewhere but where? Where could I go? I switched my mind off, I shut my heart up.**

**I left with such great determination, false determination. I so badly wanted it to rain, I wanted to look up to the sky and have the heavens above open up and rain down on me, acid rain, I longed for acid rain because that what was good enough for me, that's what I deserved but instead all I got was sunshine, sunshine and a smile from an old man walking his dog. I stood rooted to the spot watching as the man did not acknowledge my bloody appearance, not allowing him to notice I was acknowledging his. I watched as he carried on blissfully unaware, blissfully ignorant. I shivered more jealousy to deal with. Perhaps the answer to not feeling at all was through the purchase of a dog I'd be forced to walk daily, a dog I'd be forced to converse with, something other than my unreliable self to confide in? Perhaps if I had a dog I'd too live a life of bliss and ignorance. Wouldn't that be so grand?**

**I allowed myself to move, one step at a time, walking into invisible puddles, I hated dogs, I hated cats, I couldn't even keep a goldfish alive even if I tried. I kept walking, allowing this new found feeling to take over, this feeling of uncertainty to consume my whole body. Was this story finally finished? What was left to say? Had I not freed myself, had I not tortured myself enough with every inch that the knife went in deeper and deeper we both bled. I set us free, I forced an exit. I was caged myself in that moment. I kept walking, I would not stop to rest, I didn't need to, I kept going everywhere and nowhere at all. Round and round in circles I went, round and round a building, walking in, walking out, one step in, two steps out. **

**I was a fast finisher but a rather slow starter, I took the long way to get to the finish line, always. Today was different, I gave in to my mind, my heart had no say, I let auto pilot take over, I went in, not allowing myself to look back. I settled on being the new me, I hated that I was here, I hated that I'd always allow myself to come back but this was my master plan all along I was on a suicide mission, my heart so unaware and my subconscious mind plotting everything my heart failed to take stock of because today was the day I was setting my heart loose, today I was taking revenge on my heart. My mind felt the thrill, my heart started to drip red. **

**I walked through a door that was so easy to flee from, I walked through a door that held the freedom I would never gain back , the door that protected all that what was precious, all that was ruthless, evil. It was my turn in this losing game I'd been failing at all along. Our eyes met, there was an intake of breath, hers...mine... ours, together but honestly who cares? I felt oddly defiant, my palms weren't sweaty, yet my heart rate increased, just as defiant, refusing to give in, a fight to the bitter end. The air was so different to last time. She watched me, I watched her, recognition written all over her face this time. It's been weeks, enough time for her to become the healthy opponent I always knew her to be. She hid her scars so well while mine still lingered in the air.**

"**I killed Carmen," and just like that my heart stalled.**


End file.
